Tuesday, October 5, 2010

What do I want?

OMG, why can't I just figure out what I want? I got a call yesterday from Mini-Skool about a job opening, I didn't answer bc I was too nervous, but they left a message. I didn't call back. I know what is the harm in interviewing? It would probably be good experience. There is no commitment in that, but I can't even bring myself to call back, maybe that means I really don't want to work? I don't know. I mean I do, and at this place abigail would even be in the same building as me, but nope still can't do it. How could I bring myself to voluntarily not stay home with Abigail when I have the chance to stay home? But working would give me some identity to myself that I really don't feel I have anymore.

Still don't know if Vinnie is staying in or getting out which makes things that much more confusing. In about two or three years my sister said I could job share with her, that would be cool. What do I do until then? I just need some ideas I guess or something.

I know Vinnie doesn't really get alone time, but I don't get any either, I miss working out. I need to do it again, going to the gym was always the best part of my day, now my day pretty much sucks, it drags on and I feel like I get nothing done bc I'm so freaking tired all day bc I can't sleep at night. Something needs to change, but I need a simple solution, I'm not going to run around like crazy anymore (getting my WA cert, applying, getting all the req. paperwork) for something I don't even really want deep down right now. I'd like to continue to develop my portfolio, make a real professional one, do some professional development, keep up on the times, etc. I'm not really sure where to start.

So, I keep going back and forth on what I think we should do about the whole army thing, today I think I'm leaning toward getting out and going home. I miss my family sooooooo much, I hate being so far away. Everyone is missing out on Abigail growing up, I have no close friends here and only two/three people in the whole state that I know and would feel comfortable hanging out with. It's my fault for not getting out there and making it happen, but being home I would have at least a support network which I know I could get here if I seek it but I don't think I would. I don't know what I need. My life isn't terrible or bad in any sense, it's just not what I thought it'd be. I don't even know what I thought it would be.

I guess this is what I thought. I'd be teaching and Vinnie would be in law school, this would be his last year of law school in fact, then he'd get a lawyer job, I'd have 2 years of teaching done and then we could start a family. Of course things got all crazy when he joined the Army, he couldn't find a "real" job after college and didn't want to go straight to law school after IU so he joined so he could support me, which I really do appreciate. About a year in we decided we were financially stable enough to start a family (i think at the time we were pretty certain the army would be our lives for a long while). So, now we are at the crossroads which could have been avoided, I know you can't plan out everything, but some things you can plan and if we had stayed on the plan I thought we were on I think things would be very different, I don't know if they'd be better, I know any path would have brought it's own challenges.

I'm afraid that I will get so used to this stay at home thing that I will never get out there again and seek anything. I think about how this life could end tomorrow, so why am I putting so many things off until later? I just don't want to lose myself I guess...

I need to figure out something, I'm feeling tears coming on for some reason, why? I'm not like sad and depressed or anything, I just wish I could figure things out. ugh...

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