Here is an email I wrote to my sister in the wee hours of the night, sorry for all the typos, too lazy to fix them. But, it shows my crazy mind, enjoy:
Maybe I'll find something, but I'll need somewhere for Abigail to go...and what if I want to have another baby? I guess that is out of the question now since we won't have money anymore. I'm really stressed out about this whole thing. I'm always online looking for jobs for me and Vinnie, it doesn't seem like Vinnie is stressed about it at all, but it is kind of a big deal. I am so bipolar about the whole thing. I love being home and just being a mom and I know someday later I can teach, and right now I should just stay at home with my babies, but then if Vinnie gets out that's not possible. I really do want to teach and I know I will. at least now i can keep renewing my license by taking some classes or doing professional development, which would be good for me anyway. Someday I really wish I could have my own classroom, I feel like I wasted all the work I did in college watching people I graduated with and people who graduated after me going on to bigger and better things when every prof I had told me how wonderful a teach I would be and how I literally kicked everyone's ass in those classes I took, yet, they have the jobs, I know they didn't get married or have kids (although some do now). Maybe I did things backwards, I know according to mom's plan did, she always told us college, career, married, babies...I kinda f*ed that up and now it's biting me in the bum. I just have to wait to have a career. I almost feel like I had a baby in high school or college and couldn't finish my degree. Funny thing is that the people who did have babies in high school and college are doing just fine and their babies are old enough now that they are finishing school now and getting jobs..
wow, tangent. sorry. But you see my point. My brain is a mess. Maybe I just need counseling and someone to tell me what I should do. I know every year when school starts I'm going to get the urge again...no matter what I decide. When I see job openings I can't help but want them.
Maybe I should just whip out some babies now and then when they are all in school try to be a teacher again...sigh, sounds like a long time. Even if I started now, ok, new baby wouldn't be born until late june/july...ok then add 3-4 years to that, so we're talking 5 years, and if I want another one and go for it when the 2nd one is about 2 then that's another 3-4 years or so, so probably like 8-10 years before I teach...ugh You see my problem? I am crazy.
The point is I have no idea what I want. DO I want to give up time with my babies to go hang out with someone else's babies? I feel like I should have waited until my babies were in school to go to college, that would have made more sense, maybe, I don't know, that's what a lot of people do these days and you usually think they don't have their stuff together, but maybe they are smarter than all of us? hmmm....
OK, I'll leave you alone, I know you have a job and it's a doosy. Oh, shower date sounds good, I hope I can find a really ridiculous old bridesmaid dress. I'll start planning now. Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!