I suck

I canceled it, I'm such a wuss and really disappointed in myself. I think Vinnie is starting to be disappointed in me to. I just never follow through with anything anymore. I got to be better. I don't want to keep letting him down. He didn't care whether I got a job or not but he can't stand me being on the fence anymore. I can't stand it either.

OMG what is my deal?

Sometimes I seriously annoy myself and drive myself crazy. Why can't I just be happy with what I have right now? Anyway, I got another response from a different Mini-Skool and set up a phone interview for tomorrow. So, I have been preparing for it all night and now I'm thinking I don't really want this. I don't want to say goodbye to little Abigail while I go play with someone else's kids, that just seems stupid. It's be different if I HAD to work, of course this would be the ideal job since Abigail and I would be in the same building. I know in my last post I said I regretted not calling the last person back and that's why I decided to respond to this one, but I just don't know iff I want it and that will probably come off in the interview, AND IT'S ON THE PHONE!!!!!! UGHHHHHHH and I really don't think I want to change other kid's diapers, I mean it's different when it's your own kid's poo.
I guess it doesn't hurt to do the interview right? Good practice. But, why leave Abigail, I can't get the image of saying bye to her out of my head, it's making me sad.

On another note the boys are going to be adopted. They are coming to get them Sunday and so yep, I'm sad, but I think they will be happier. I'm tired now, I hope I get this figured out.

Starting to feel normal again

Well, it's been awhile since my last blog so I guess I'll try to update best I can. So, I didn't call back Mini-Skool, but should have, I kinda wanted that job but I convinced myself that I didn't. So, I made the decision to stop whining and enjoy being home. I found this website FlyLady.com and it had helped me like you wouldn't believe. I have a plan for the day and things to do. I don't feel all over the place anymore. Then, about a week into doing that I hit a wall and decided I really wish I would have called Mini-Skool back, so I sent out some more resumes to early learning centers and I have been prepping a preschool portfolio and preparing for a preschool interview, so if I get a call I won't freak out and not answer the phone and then not call back. I think a early learning center would be best, Abigail could come to work with me. Even though we wouldn't be together she'd still be there and I think that would make for a good transition for both of us. I don't know exactly why I feel like I need to work, I think it's just a passion I have for teaching and I don't want to give it up.

Anyway, looks like Vinnie is staying in the Army. We crunched the numbers a little bit and it looks like it would be best for us, we could eliminate all our debt in a couple years (except my stupid school loans) and he might have an opportunity to get law school paid for and it's just a security thing, I mean, he has this job, great benefits, decent pay, no chance of a lay off, holidays off, etc. Of course there are downsides or everyone would be in the Army. So, I am just going to roll with it and try to stop planning and worrying so much about the future.

I kinda wish we weren't in WA anymore. I mean, I absolutely love it here, but it is WAY to far from home for me, anywhere besides Alaska, Hawaii and overseas would be closer. Eh, well, we'll see. Well, I'm not quite in the mood for typing so I will maybe update more later and get more exciting with some pictures.

What do I want?

OMG, why can't I just figure out what I want? I got a call yesterday from Mini-Skool about a job opening, I didn't answer bc I was too nervous, but they left a message. I didn't call back. I know what is the harm in interviewing? It would probably be good experience. There is no commitment in that, but I can't even bring myself to call back, maybe that means I really don't want to work? I don't know. I mean I do, and at this place abigail would even be in the same building as me, but nope still can't do it. How could I bring myself to voluntarily not stay home with Abigail when I have the chance to stay home? But working would give me some identity to myself that I really don't feel I have anymore.

Still don't know if Vinnie is staying in or getting out which makes things that much more confusing. In about two or three years my sister said I could job share with her, that would be cool. What do I do until then? I just need some ideas I guess or something.

I know Vinnie doesn't really get alone time, but I don't get any either, I miss working out. I need to do it again, going to the gym was always the best part of my day, now my day pretty much sucks, it drags on and I feel like I get nothing done bc I'm so freaking tired all day bc I can't sleep at night. Something needs to change, but I need a simple solution, I'm not going to run around like crazy anymore (getting my WA cert, applying, getting all the req. paperwork) for something I don't even really want deep down right now. I'd like to continue to develop my portfolio, make a real professional one, do some professional development, keep up on the times, etc. I'm not really sure where to start.

So, I keep going back and forth on what I think we should do about the whole army thing, today I think I'm leaning toward getting out and going home. I miss my family sooooooo much, I hate being so far away. Everyone is missing out on Abigail growing up, I have no close friends here and only two/three people in the whole state that I know and would feel comfortable hanging out with. It's my fault for not getting out there and making it happen, but being home I would have at least a support network which I know I could get here if I seek it but I don't think I would. I don't know what I need. My life isn't terrible or bad in any sense, it's just not what I thought it'd be. I don't even know what I thought it would be.


I guess this is what I thought. I'd be teaching and Vinnie would be in law school, this would be his last year of law school in fact, then he'd get a lawyer job, I'd have 2 years of teaching done and then we could start a family. Of course things got all crazy when he joined the Army, he couldn't find a "real" job after college and didn't want to go straight to law school after IU so he joined so he could support me, which I really do appreciate. About a year in we decided we were financially stable enough to start a family (i think at the time we were pretty certain the army would be our lives for a long while). So, now we are at the crossroads which could have been avoided, I know you can't plan out everything, but some things you can plan and if we had stayed on the plan I thought we were on I think things would be very different, I don't know if they'd be better, I know any path would have brought it's own challenges.

I'm afraid that I will get so used to this stay at home thing that I will never get out there again and seek anything. I think about how this life could end tomorrow, so why am I putting so many things off until later? I just don't want to lose myself I guess...

I need to figure out something, I'm feeling tears coming on for some reason, why? I'm not like sad and depressed or anything, I just wish I could figure things out. ugh...

Email to my sister

Here is an email I wrote to my sister in the wee hours of the night, sorry for all the typos, too lazy to fix them. But, it shows my crazy mind, enjoy:


Maybe I'll find something, but I'll need somewhere for Abigail to go...and what if I want to have another baby? I guess that is out of the question now since we won't have money anymore. I'm really stressed out about this whole thing. I'm always online looking for jobs for me and Vinnie, it doesn't seem like Vinnie is stressed about it at all, but it is kind of a big deal. I am so bipolar about the whole thing. I love being home and just being a mom and I know someday later I can teach, and right now I should just stay at home with my babies, but then if Vinnie gets out that's not possible. I really do want to teach and I know I will. at least now i can keep renewing my license by taking some classes or doing professional development, which would be good for me anyway. Someday I really wish I could have my own classroom, I feel like I wasted all the work I did in college watching people I graduated with and people who graduated after me going on to bigger and better things when every prof I had told me how wonderful a teach I would be and how I literally kicked everyone's ass in those classes I took, yet, they have the jobs, I know they didn't get married or have kids (although some do now). Maybe I did things backwards, I know according to mom's plan did, she always told us college, career, married, babies...I kinda f*ed that up and now it's biting me in the bum. I just have to wait to have a career. I almost feel like I had a baby in high school or college and couldn't finish my degree. Funny thing is that the people who did have babies in high school and college are doing just fine and their babies are old enough now that they are finishing school now and getting jobs..

wow, tangent. sorry. But you see my point. My brain is a mess. Maybe I just need counseling and someone to tell me what I should do. I know every year when school starts I'm going to get the urge again...no matter what I decide. When I see job openings I can't help but want them.

Maybe I should just whip out some babies now and then when they are all in school try to be a teacher again...sigh, sounds like a long time. Even if I started now, ok, new baby wouldn't be born until late june/july...ok then add 3-4 years to that, so we're talking 5 years, and if I want another one and go for it when the 2nd one is about 2 then that's another 3-4 years or so, so probably like 8-10 years before I teach...ugh You see my problem? I am crazy.

The point is I have no idea what I want. DO I want to give up time with my babies to go hang out with someone else's babies? I feel like I should have waited until my babies were in school to go to college, that would have made more sense, maybe, I don't know, that's what a lot of people do these days and you usually think they don't have their stuff together, but maybe they are smarter than all of us? hmmm....
OK, I'll leave you alone, I know you have a job and it's a doosy. Oh, shower date sounds good, I hope I can find a really ridiculous old bridesmaid dress. I'll start planning now. Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another plan

So it seems like I have a new plan about every day, but this time I think I might follow through. I can start substitute teaching (something i don't really want to do but oh well) in the Clover Park School district. I'm going to call tomorrow to see if I can set up an orientation. So, that'll be good, just makes child care a little hard since i don't have any clear hours and it doesn't look like I'll get in on post for awhile. So, I'm thinking that even if I don't end up making any money (bc of daycare) it'll still be good experience for me, maybe 2-3 times a week and if i like it and abigail seems ok maybe more if I can get the hours.

Looks like Vinnie plans to get out, he kinda gave me a run-down on what he kinda sees us doing in the future and it sounded ok, at least with teaching you get time off and you can take time when you have kids, I hate the idea of not being home with my kids to go teach other kids, but there is a chance to do job-sharing with my sister in the future, so we shall see about that.

Well, I'm sleepy, but can't sleep. I guess I'm going to try.

Change in plans?

Ugh, so the other day Vinnie says "Can you get a job at home because I'm getting out and we're moving home" What?!? Where did this come from, he sounded very decided. The answer to his question is that I have no idea, like I explained before I kind of missed my opportunity. My resume is really starting to look old, especially once 2011 comes along and I can't find any job out here, it just sucks. I have no idea what's going on now. I am so blah about this whole thing anymore.
Vinnie likes the Army, I think he just isn't really enjoying being gone for what seems like the entire day, he maybe sees Abigail for 1/2 hour before she goes to bed. Maybe that is part of it.

I just don't know... what am I going to do? There's no way for me to know if there will be anything back home for me. I hope so, but I probably need to find something here to beef up the resume.

So, back to square one...