Charlie gets a new home! And Update

So it looks like Charlie will be getting a new home! Yay! I'm so happy for him. I hope Yoda can find a new home soon. I know they are being loved and well taken care of and I'm so excited for them. They are going to have great lives now.

Nothing else really going on. We put up Christmas lights. It's looking quite Clark Griswold out there but that's fine with me. I'll have to take a picture sometime. The inside looks nice too. Already picked up a couple presents for Abigail. I'm so glad vinnie is home this Christmas. We are trying to think of traditions we'd like to have in our little family. We have some ideas. I'll share them later since I'm on my phone right now and just don't feel like typing it all out. Well. I'm gettin tired I'll add more later. Just thought I'd do a little update.

***Ok, I'm back, doing a no-no which is bringing the computer in bed with me. I know it is the culprit to my insomnia, but so be it. Anyway, my mom was here for a visit which was super fun. We had a good time, went winter shopping, yay! I didn't have ANY winter clothes being I was at least 40lbs heavier last year this time. Got to see a couple movies while she was here and went out to eat with the hubster for my birthday, so good times. My dad is also coming for a visit next week, so I'm excited about that as well.

So, going to another coffee Tuesday. Look at me, miss social, although I wouldn't go that far. I just am not naturally social unless someone opens up to me first and even then it may not work. There are some people I just naturally connect with, and other well, not so much, but I'm sure that's true for everyone.

As I mentioned Vinnie and I got to see a couple movies, including the new Harry Potter. Now neither of us have ever been Harry Potter enthusiasts or anything, not that we didn't like it, just never got into it. Anyway, thanks to Harry Potter weekend on ABC family and our DVR we are now officially caught up. To tell you the truth, I saw the Half-Blood Prince in theaters after only reading the first book (class assignment) and really I didn't miss much, besides Harry getting beat up and about 6 defense against the dark arts professors. Seriously, does Dumbledore (don't know if i spelled that right) not know how to hire someone of quality for that job or what?

Still wanting to join a gym, still debating. I'm guessing it won't happen because I'm too big a wuss to ask 100 times if I can. Just don't know. I'd like to get back into decent shape before we think about trying for baby #2.

Oh yeah, Christmas traditions. Well, so far the Christmas lights are a go. We want to get a pickle ornament and hide it in the tree. We are going to go to church Christmas eve, I just couldn't imagine not going. I think I'm going to make some cookies and possibly cupcakes for Christmas. Have to read night before Christmas. Christmas morning I think I will do cinnamon buns and possibly some biscuits and gravy. Not sure what else. Probably do a Christmas dinner. Need to watch all the Christmas movies at some point. We wanted to make going to Trans-Siberian orchestra a tradition, but apparently they were here like November 13th. So, oh well.

alright, well if anyone has any suggestions let me know.

Feeling terrible

So, I don't feel that good and on top of it I'm not getting any sleep. Also, I just feel like I just suck lately. I mean, my dinners are not very good. I constantly struggle between trying to make something fast , healthy and not crazy expensive. I always buy too much and am not good at the whole using leftovers to make something the next day. I'm probably just too lazy to put any real effort into my "job" and that's mostly the problem, but I don't know. I know I just complain a lot and that just makes me feel worse. Especially when my husband gets angry and tells me to stop whining all the time and just fix the problem. Don't sleep? Go to the doctor. Yeah, i get it, i need to go, I just feel so blah I don't have the motivation. I know I make an excuse for everything and it drives Vinnie crazy. I probably do need to go to the doctor to get this insomnia thing figured out. I know i also need to go to the dentist bc my teeth are constantly killing me.

My house is a mess bc I'm just too tired to get anything done and that just makes me more depressed. I don't get out of the house (again I know that's my own fault) but where am i supposed to go and again I don't have the motivation. That's why I was so pumped to join a gym but now I'm just back to blah about it because Vinnie wasn't really for it. I don't even really want to anymore. Also, I don't do anything for myself, ever, I mean I don't get my hair cut, or dyed, I don't get my nails done or go buy new clothes or things I want. All I wanted was to go to the gym so I don't gain my weight back and so I can hopefully start to feel better. I will talk to my mom and she always understands exactly what i'm talking about, maybe because she has been there, but I can never explain it to Vinnie. Ugh, I love my husband and he is awesome, we just have to find a way to get on the same page sometimes, and again it doesn't help that he constantly tells me he wishes he could just stay home and hang out with Abigail all day... yeah ok :( it's mostly on me because I don't take care of myself and just get things done that need to be done.

I don't know when I became this way, I mean I got everything done in college, then once I moved out here I just have made excuse after excuse for everything and it makes me feel like a terrible and lazy human being all the time. I know the easy solution is well then do something (which is what vinnie says) but I can't seem to do ANYTHING. I don't know why but I think if I were home in a familiar place and surrounded by my family things would be different. Well, that's all for now, going to try to "sleep" again...

I'm back...

I am really terrible at this blog thing, I'm not going to win any super blog awards, but it's really just easy to type than write in my journal, so what ev. Anyway, not much has been going on. Just trying to switch gears and do the Army wife thing now, we'll see how that all works out, don't know if I should try getting involved in the FRG, it's not really my thing, but I suppose it's expected of me. Went to a coffee tonight, I'm thinking everyone there was either a leader or co-leader or something and I'm a nothin and felt dumb bc I had never even been to a coffee before, but hey I've only been invited twice in 2 years so give me a break. Anyway, it was nice, so we'll see what happens with that. Not feeling to good tonight, hope I don't get sick, but I took some ibprofen and I"m feeling much better now, should have had some before I went to the coffee.

Oh, we went on this marriage retreat which was awesome and I made a couple new friends, so now I have a 2-1 buddy I can drag around to all this army stuff. Ok, well, probably should go to bed, but won't so nighty night

I suck

I canceled it, I'm such a wuss and really disappointed in myself. I think Vinnie is starting to be disappointed in me to. I just never follow through with anything anymore. I got to be better. I don't want to keep letting him down. He didn't care whether I got a job or not but he can't stand me being on the fence anymore. I can't stand it either.

OMG what is my deal?

Sometimes I seriously annoy myself and drive myself crazy. Why can't I just be happy with what I have right now? Anyway, I got another response from a different Mini-Skool and set up a phone interview for tomorrow. So, I have been preparing for it all night and now I'm thinking I don't really want this. I don't want to say goodbye to little Abigail while I go play with someone else's kids, that just seems stupid. It's be different if I HAD to work, of course this would be the ideal job since Abigail and I would be in the same building. I know in my last post I said I regretted not calling the last person back and that's why I decided to respond to this one, but I just don't know iff I want it and that will probably come off in the interview, AND IT'S ON THE PHONE!!!!!! UGHHHHHHH and I really don't think I want to change other kid's diapers, I mean it's different when it's your own kid's poo.
I guess it doesn't hurt to do the interview right? Good practice. But, why leave Abigail, I can't get the image of saying bye to her out of my head, it's making me sad.

On another note the boys are going to be adopted. They are coming to get them Sunday and so yep, I'm sad, but I think they will be happier. I'm tired now, I hope I get this figured out.

Starting to feel normal again

Well, it's been awhile since my last blog so I guess I'll try to update best I can. So, I didn't call back Mini-Skool, but should have, I kinda wanted that job but I convinced myself that I didn't. So, I made the decision to stop whining and enjoy being home. I found this website FlyLady.com and it had helped me like you wouldn't believe. I have a plan for the day and things to do. I don't feel all over the place anymore. Then, about a week into doing that I hit a wall and decided I really wish I would have called Mini-Skool back, so I sent out some more resumes to early learning centers and I have been prepping a preschool portfolio and preparing for a preschool interview, so if I get a call I won't freak out and not answer the phone and then not call back. I think a early learning center would be best, Abigail could come to work with me. Even though we wouldn't be together she'd still be there and I think that would make for a good transition for both of us. I don't know exactly why I feel like I need to work, I think it's just a passion I have for teaching and I don't want to give it up.

Anyway, looks like Vinnie is staying in the Army. We crunched the numbers a little bit and it looks like it would be best for us, we could eliminate all our debt in a couple years (except my stupid school loans) and he might have an opportunity to get law school paid for and it's just a security thing, I mean, he has this job, great benefits, decent pay, no chance of a lay off, holidays off, etc. Of course there are downsides or everyone would be in the Army. So, I am just going to roll with it and try to stop planning and worrying so much about the future.

I kinda wish we weren't in WA anymore. I mean, I absolutely love it here, but it is WAY to far from home for me, anywhere besides Alaska, Hawaii and overseas would be closer. Eh, well, we'll see. Well, I'm not quite in the mood for typing so I will maybe update more later and get more exciting with some pictures.

What do I want?

OMG, why can't I just figure out what I want? I got a call yesterday from Mini-Skool about a job opening, I didn't answer bc I was too nervous, but they left a message. I didn't call back. I know what is the harm in interviewing? It would probably be good experience. There is no commitment in that, but I can't even bring myself to call back, maybe that means I really don't want to work? I don't know. I mean I do, and at this place abigail would even be in the same building as me, but nope still can't do it. How could I bring myself to voluntarily not stay home with Abigail when I have the chance to stay home? But working would give me some identity to myself that I really don't feel I have anymore.

Still don't know if Vinnie is staying in or getting out which makes things that much more confusing. In about two or three years my sister said I could job share with her, that would be cool. What do I do until then? I just need some ideas I guess or something.

I know Vinnie doesn't really get alone time, but I don't get any either, I miss working out. I need to do it again, going to the gym was always the best part of my day, now my day pretty much sucks, it drags on and I feel like I get nothing done bc I'm so freaking tired all day bc I can't sleep at night. Something needs to change, but I need a simple solution, I'm not going to run around like crazy anymore (getting my WA cert, applying, getting all the req. paperwork) for something I don't even really want deep down right now. I'd like to continue to develop my portfolio, make a real professional one, do some professional development, keep up on the times, etc. I'm not really sure where to start.

So, I keep going back and forth on what I think we should do about the whole army thing, today I think I'm leaning toward getting out and going home. I miss my family sooooooo much, I hate being so far away. Everyone is missing out on Abigail growing up, I have no close friends here and only two/three people in the whole state that I know and would feel comfortable hanging out with. It's my fault for not getting out there and making it happen, but being home I would have at least a support network which I know I could get here if I seek it but I don't think I would. I don't know what I need. My life isn't terrible or bad in any sense, it's just not what I thought it'd be. I don't even know what I thought it would be.


I guess this is what I thought. I'd be teaching and Vinnie would be in law school, this would be his last year of law school in fact, then he'd get a lawyer job, I'd have 2 years of teaching done and then we could start a family. Of course things got all crazy when he joined the Army, he couldn't find a "real" job after college and didn't want to go straight to law school after IU so he joined so he could support me, which I really do appreciate. About a year in we decided we were financially stable enough to start a family (i think at the time we were pretty certain the army would be our lives for a long while). So, now we are at the crossroads which could have been avoided, I know you can't plan out everything, but some things you can plan and if we had stayed on the plan I thought we were on I think things would be very different, I don't know if they'd be better, I know any path would have brought it's own challenges.

I'm afraid that I will get so used to this stay at home thing that I will never get out there again and seek anything. I think about how this life could end tomorrow, so why am I putting so many things off until later? I just don't want to lose myself I guess...

I need to figure out something, I'm feeling tears coming on for some reason, why? I'm not like sad and depressed or anything, I just wish I could figure things out. ugh...