Yep

Yet again I cannot come up with a title. Just to warn you, my "o" button isn't working well, so if any words are missing "o"s I'm sorry.

Well, I have started the process of applying for teaching jobs back home. I'm pretty excited, but nervous too, we'll see.

On another note, why am I addicted to tragedy? What is wrong with me? I follow people's blog who have lost children and spouses. I am always reading posts on the Grief and Loss part of message boards. I even watched the last Army wives episode 3 1/2 times. I don't know what my deal is. Do I want to freak myself out, become more aware? Try to sympathize? I haven't got any idea. I wish I knew, if you know please tell me.

I'm going home Wednesday for Carrie's shower, pretty excited to go home, I might just cry and kiss the ground when I arrive, I basically did that last time (sept 2009). Wow, I really miss home.

Vinnie has a 4 day, so that's exciting, although we have no plans. I'm trying to get together with a new wife, so we'll see if that happens, I'm kind of a failure when it comes to making friends.

Umm, nothing much else going on except I found Abigail naked in her crib this morning and it was hilarious, at least she didn't poop.

Hello, it' s me, crazy

Well, nursing is out, at least for now, I guess that was a short lived dream, but maybe one day I'll do it. It's just too expensive to go back to school right now, I owe too much money, and I haven't given teaching a chance yet to just switch careers.

On another note, I had a coffee tonight, more of a farewell to the BN commander's wife. It was nice. I feel like a fool though, I mean I finally made a new friend, but for some reason I don't act like myself around her, I mean, maybe i am so desperate for friends I will act how I think they want me to act. I know that sounds crazy, but I felt kinda dumb, bc we carpooled with a girl who is kind of new who I think I have a lot in common with, but I'm sure she doesn't think so with the way I acted, I wasn't super crazy or anything, just, not really me. Anyway, like my real self I sent her a FB message apologizing and hoping that she doesn't think I'm crazy. Right now I think a lot of people think I'm nuts. I FB messaged a girl I met in Nov who moved to GA who has a baby Abigail's age and is now preggo with a new baby. I know I don't know her that well, but I figured we are Army wives, you kinda skip the whole getting to know you stage and just move on to being friends, right? Well I know I'm a crazy person, but I sent her a message saying I would be happy to talk baby names with her since we have the same naming style and we HAD talked about baby names the night we met, so it wasn't way out there. Anyway, that was a while ago and she never wrote me back, so now i feel like a crazy person. I also FB messaged my college roommate kinda telling her all that has happened the last few years and asking her how things were going (might not sound weird, but we literally NEVER spoke to each other in college) and I haven't heard back from her. I also FB messaged someone else and haven't heard back from them. Maybe I am a little too crazy? I know it's hard to make good friends in the Army world, but I know for sure I have one. I guess if one is all I got then that's ok. I just need to get to GA so I can hang out with her bc it's getting lonely out here. Ok, goodnight.

Nursing

So I'm really thinking about it. It's kind of exciting to think about going back to school. I haven't talked to Vinnie about it yet, but we'll. I need to talk to the people at IUN and see if there are waitlists, what classes I need to take before I apply, what the job opportunities are, etc. I think I could be really good at it. I could see myself as a L &D nurse or a peds nurse. I know there would be rough times and days but also very rewarding ones. Well, I need to do some more research, but it's possible that I could take some classes online this summer. We'll see.

Mush brain

So all this talk of Vinnie possibly getting out of the Army is making me crazy yet again. I seriously can't stand it. Just tell me when you actually signed whatever papers and made whatever phone calls to where you are actually getting out, none of this maybe stuff anymore, I swear I'm losing it (I'll get to that later). Apparently, if Vinnie is to get out, I gotta write his resume, find him jobs, apply for them and maybe even go to the interview, I'm not sure. I know he is busy, but it doesn't make sense for me to do these things for him. I did start a resume for him, found him jobs at my dad's work (steel mill) and call in a contact (bro in law) to see if Vinnie could be a cop (since this bro-in law inquired about it when i was home) so I think I've done my part. I just can't take it anymore.

On another note, I think I'm losing my mind. I'm serious, it may sound dumb, but i'll be thinking about something and then completely lose my train of thought and have NO IDEA what I was thinking about and I am unable to recover that thought. It's freaking me out, I've never had this problem before. Another example, I'm taking a shower and get to a point where I'm holding my little scrubbie to wash myself and I'm standing there drawing a blank on what I was going to do (put soap on the scrubbie) that one really freaked me out. I hope nothing is wrong with my brain.

Beyond that, I think i remember mentioning here that I fear I might lose myself in all this wife, mom, army thing, I really think I am, and I know it's my own fault. I have ZERO confidence in myself anymore. I honestly don't think I can do anything. That weirds me out because I used to have tons of confidence. I don't even want to start anything anymore in fears of failing. I have actually been thinking about getting a CNA, LPN or even a BSN if/when we go back home. IUN has an accelerated BSN program for people who have a BA/BS already in another field. Problem is I probably have to take all these pre-reqs because I have a stupid BSED which guess is worth nothing. So dumb. Anyway, I don't think it will happen, no way Vinnie would be happy with the idea of me going back to school when I can't pay for the school I already did. But I could probably get a CNA and start working and then take classes for BSN while working, but if we want to have another baby there is no way I'd do that. That why this whole get in get out Army thing is so frustrating and annoying. I told him the other day let's just go to GA and he said, "so you want me to stay in" and I said something like " well, you know nothing is going to happen and I just want to be closer to home and not way out here anymore"

Maybe he doesn't understand how frustrating it is for me. I don't really mind being in the Army, but I can't play this game. I don't want to do anything anymore because maybe we won;t be here in a year and so it'd be dumb, so I sit in my house all day with nothing to do but constantly clean messes and then have to wake up to a mess anyway because Abigail wouldn't sleep and no I didn't have time to do the dishes and now I'm way too tired to do anything. (Can you tell I'm not looking forward to waking up to my sink full of nasty dishes)

I want to go home, but why does it have to be such a negative process. Vinnie sees no other way but for me to go to work. Well, it's not going to be easy for me to find a job, I have looked, there are NO teaching jobs back home. That's why I was thinking about the nursing thing. As much as I complain about staying at home, I do think it's best for abigail and any future babies we'd be blessed to have. How much money does he think we'd need? I will live in a one bedroom apartment if we have to, or at my moms house. Maybe we'd have to cut out going out to eat so often and my many trips to mcdonalds, I would sacrifice :) I need to eat better anyway. Maybe I could get into couponing? If I were back home at least I'd have friends around to give me my sanity. Well, thats all for tonight, I'm tired.

Going home, being alone...

Hello, so it's another few days without the hubster, :( It sucks. I don't sleep well to begin with and when he isn't here it's much worse. I didn't get much sleep last night, so I was looking forward to getting a little nap in during Abigail's nap. Well,, as usual whenever I look forward to anything it doesn't happen. Abigail decided it was a good time to climb out of her crib for the first time. To bad for her, she went right back in (after I turned it around so she could get out) she wasn't happy about it, but she stayed in there until the end up her "down time" and then we went on with the day with a super cranky baby. I was going to take her out shopping and maybe even to the hands on museum, but no way without a nap. Oh well. So now, I'm freakin tired and can't believe it's only 7:45. I hope I can sleep tonight.

In other news, I'm trying to take a break from baby names. Felling good about my top names right now Theodore Benjamin and Caroline Elizabeth.

More news, I'm going home April 6th and staying for 2 weeks. I'm pretty excited about it. I feel bad taking Abigail away from Vinnie for so long, but I guess that's just what has to happen. A lot of my family haven't seen me or her in almost a year. Btw why the heck is this year going by so quickly? Why couldn't that happen last year?

Also, I'm planning my sister's shower, it's going well, it's going to be very different, probably unlike any shower anyone has been to, but my sister is very different. It's 80s themed and it s going to rock. I'd give details, but in case my sister checks the blog I will keep them with me for now, but it's going to be awesome. Well, I'm going to go now byebye!

Ugh

Just thought about Miles with our last name and it doesn't really work, shoot. Whenever I can't have a name I want it more. Still don't know if we'll ever change our last name. Maybe if we do have a baby on the way we will decide before he/she is born and if we don't change it than that's it, we are sticking with the name we have now. Well, I've been working on baby names like crazy again lately. You've heard most of them before. Alexander is the name Vinnie and I decided on while he was deployed, we both like it, not to excited about any of the nicknames though. Here is my list of the names I would be happy to use, sort of in order:

Boys

Theodore Benjamin (Benjamin is my dad's grandpa's name)
Theodore Christopher (Chris is my brother)
Theodore Alexander
Theodore Jack (Jack is Vinnie's fav name)
Theodore Kevin (Kevin is Vinnie's Uncle, god parent and also his brother's middle name and my half brothers name)
Theodore Miles

Alexander Benjamin
Alexander Kevin
Alexander Christopher

Miles Benjamin
Miles Alexander
Miles Christopher

Nathan Alexander
Nathan Christopher
Nathan Benjamin

Girls

Caroline Elizabeth (Cara, Linny)
Lillian Elizabeth (Lily)
Emmalin Elizabeth (Em, Emmie)
Emmalyn Elizabeth

Elizabeth Caroline (Lily, Elsie, Lilibeth, Ellie)
Elizabeth Lillian

Yes I'm crazy. I have no idea how I will ever choose a girl name or a boy name even. I know I just need to chill, I'm not even pregnant!

A new name on my mind

So, I've always liked it, but it kinda seemed too trendy-like for me.

Miles

It is actually a classic old fashioned name, but doesn't really seem like it to me. I'm probably too uncomfortable with it to ever use it, but just thought I'd put it out there that I like it and see if anyone has any opinion.

a little worried he'd get called Miley.

Man, Abigail is up crying, just like last night, I don't know what her deal is. Gotta go

The weekend, and me crazy as usual

So the weekend is over, but I don't even know why I even look forward to weekends, it's all the same to me, except Vinnie is usually here. I did ask Vinnie to get Abigail Saturday morning and he must have been in a good mood because he did it! Yay! I got one morning off! I got up once I heard that she was done eating, so I didn't stay in bed too long, but it was nice. we didn't do much, just hung out, went to the mall and did a little shopping but that was about it. Abigail is so off and on you just never know how she will be, she was a crazy person yesterday, I think someone is acting 2 way too early. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, I can see why parents just give in to whatever the kid wants because you gotta get the shopping done and it can't be done with a screaming, throwing, climbing out of the cart and running all over the place toddler, so what are you supposed to do? You can't give them rules, they don't even know how to talk! I'm so lost. Sometimes I am pretty certain that we should not have another baby for awhile, I honestly wouldn't know what to do.

Anyway, I'm back to being crazy, I just wish I could figure out what I want. It's funny because I was ready back in my journal from 2007 and I was talking the exact same way, It's like I have never known what I want to do with my life, I just want to figure it out. I tried talking to Vinnie last night about future stuff. He said he doesn't like it in the Army and wants to get out, but that it just isn't a good time. I hate knowing that he doesn't like what he does, but what can I do about it? I even started making him a resume so he can give it to my dad who said he could run it through at work (he works at a steel mill) I know that's not Vinnie's dream job, but it'd be something. I think sometimes he thinks we couldn't live on anything less than he makes, but I think we could figure it out.

I also am still so totally torn on whether or not I should ever work. I think the longer I stay home the more I kinda lose my motivation to work, even at home. I just feel lazy all the time. I don't know what to do with myself.

Well, next month I will be home. I'm not excited for the flight, but couldn't be more excited to go home, I can't wait. Although, I have no idea how I will get to the airport... Sometimes I am brutally reminded that I have no friends. I have been trying to find someone to watch Abigail for my dentist appointment this week, but it looks like I have no one, so I have to cancel, I don't even feel like rescheduling because it is just so annoying, plus I need like 3 more appointments after that so it will never end. I know I need to get the work done before if/when I ever get pregnant, but I just don't feel like it anymore, it'd be so much easier if I had friends around to help out with stuff like this.

I have a feeling after I visit home I am going to want to move back home, Abigail will get to play with her cousins and see her grandparents, it's going to be hard to accept that is not the life we are meant for right now. I tell myself that things will work themselves out, but it is really stressful. Sometimes I think I should just start looking for a job at home and then if I get one move back and when Vinnie is done he can join us, that's what Army wives have to do all the time right? That sounds harsh, but I just thought I'd put it out there.

I think Vinnie thinks I'm lazy, or have gotten really lazy or something. I'm not sure what he thinks I do all day, probably just watch TV and play on the computer, I do, but just to keep my sanity. I clean at least 20 times a day, I fight with Abigail any time I try to get anything done because she wants to play on or with everything (dishwasher, washer/dryer, toilet, bathtub, trashcan, etc) so it's very hard to get things done, but I always get it done eventually, even with the multiple tantrums. Well, I guess I'll go, I need to get some work done. Have a nice week.

Hello

Well, dad left yesterday, so it's back to normal around here. I really need to clean this place. I've been trying, but Abigail doesn't let me do much, if I start doing something she wants to get into it and then she will get mad and she also gets upset if I close a door and cleaning requires me to open and close a lot of doors so it just isn't worth it to me. I try to clean when she takes her short nap but that is the last thing I want to do during my break, plus I need to eat. I'd clean when she goes to bed, but that's my time watching some TV with the hubs and nothing is worse than when i'm running around cleaning and he's just sitting there on the couch. Damn, I just remembered it'd garbage day tomorrow. Should I get out of bed and do it? Probably, damn, this sucks.

OK, well, I'll do it in a minute. That just totally ruined my night. Anyway, nothing good was on tonight so Vinnie and I decided to play scrabble where he beat me by one point on some junk he was laying down at the end. Plus, he was starting to get grumpy and ready to quit to I let him put a word down that was a brand name and it didn't look right, but I let it go anyway, didn't want him to quit and it turns out it was spelled wrong and he got a bunch of points for it. Oh well, it was still fun.

Alright, well, I was going to write about baby names, but now I got to go do the stupid garbage/recycling while Vinnie slumbers away. Maybe I'll be back to write more.

Ok, I took out the garbage and such. Man, now I'm tired, and hungry. Anyway, no nothing really new on the baby name front. Vinnie won't tell me if he likes Caroline, says he isn't discussing girl names because we are having a boy...ok. He told me he doesn't like Nathan, so oh well. I do like Theodore, and the more I read about it, the more I like it. I just worry because I can't imagine Vinnie as a Theodore, or Theo, or Ted, or Teddy and if we have a boy he could look just like Vinnie. But, I suppose a lot of people wouldn't think he looks like a Vincent either. I think the middle name would be Jack, even though it doesn't sound right to me, maybe one syllable names just bother me. I would use Jackson (after Andrew Jackson) but I don't like the trendiness of it. I think Theodore Jackson sounds better though. On the girl front, I still love Caroline Elizabeth, but Emmalin/ Emmalyn is making a comeback. I just like that name for some reason! hmm, who knows. Hopefully I will have a chance to have another baby so I can actually use some of these names.
I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but Vinnie and I may someday change our last name. Vinnie has no/negative relationship with his dad and we had agreed long before we married that we would take his mother's maiden name upon marriage. However, he and his dad rekindled their relationship right around the time we got married, so we kept the name. That relationship no longer exists and although I can handle the name, I don't like it at all. I mean I spend so much time worrying about first names when my kid/kids will grow up with this name which is normally pronounced in a way that makes it rhyme with penis? I can't stand it! No one says is right and even when they do I don't like it. I remember, the year after I married I had to use my new name in a school with students, I introduced myself and right off the bat a kid said, 'like rhinoceros?" Not a big deal, but I already was uncomfortable with the name. I've learned to deal with it, I don't correct people on the phone or anything, but I know it will be a problem forever. Anyway, we are thinking about changing it, even though it's more complicated now than before (especially since we have Abigail) but our new name would be McMillen and I freakin love that name. I don't even know what states rules to follow to change it since I'm in Washington but a resident of Indiana, so annoying, I should just change my license.
Only about one month until I get to go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!