Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Mush brain

So all this talk of Vinnie possibly getting out of the Army is making me crazy yet again. I seriously can't stand it. Just tell me when you actually signed whatever papers and made whatever phone calls to where you are actually getting out, none of this maybe stuff anymore, I swear I'm losing it (I'll get to that later). Apparently, if Vinnie is to get out, I gotta write his resume, find him jobs, apply for them and maybe even go to the interview, I'm not sure. I know he is busy, but it doesn't make sense for me to do these things for him. I did start a resume for him, found him jobs at my dad's work (steel mill) and call in a contact (bro in law) to see if Vinnie could be a cop (since this bro-in law inquired about it when i was home) so I think I've done my part. I just can't take it anymore.

On another note, I think I'm losing my mind. I'm serious, it may sound dumb, but i'll be thinking about something and then completely lose my train of thought and have NO IDEA what I was thinking about and I am unable to recover that thought. It's freaking me out, I've never had this problem before. Another example, I'm taking a shower and get to a point where I'm holding my little scrubbie to wash myself and I'm standing there drawing a blank on what I was going to do (put soap on the scrubbie) that one really freaked me out. I hope nothing is wrong with my brain.

Beyond that, I think i remember mentioning here that I fear I might lose myself in all this wife, mom, army thing, I really think I am, and I know it's my own fault. I have ZERO confidence in myself anymore. I honestly don't think I can do anything. That weirds me out because I used to have tons of confidence. I don't even want to start anything anymore in fears of failing. I have actually been thinking about getting a CNA, LPN or even a BSN if/when we go back home. IUN has an accelerated BSN program for people who have a BA/BS already in another field. Problem is I probably have to take all these pre-reqs because I have a stupid BSED which guess is worth nothing. So dumb. Anyway, I don't think it will happen, no way Vinnie would be happy with the idea of me going back to school when I can't pay for the school I already did. But I could probably get a CNA and start working and then take classes for BSN while working, but if we want to have another baby there is no way I'd do that. That why this whole get in get out Army thing is so frustrating and annoying. I told him the other day let's just go to GA and he said, "so you want me to stay in" and I said something like " well, you know nothing is going to happen and I just want to be closer to home and not way out here anymore"

Maybe he doesn't understand how frustrating it is for me. I don't really mind being in the Army, but I can't play this game. I don't want to do anything anymore because maybe we won;t be here in a year and so it'd be dumb, so I sit in my house all day with nothing to do but constantly clean messes and then have to wake up to a mess anyway because Abigail wouldn't sleep and no I didn't have time to do the dishes and now I'm way too tired to do anything. (Can you tell I'm not looking forward to waking up to my sink full of nasty dishes)

I want to go home, but why does it have to be such a negative process. Vinnie sees no other way but for me to go to work. Well, it's not going to be easy for me to find a job, I have looked, there are NO teaching jobs back home. That's why I was thinking about the nursing thing. As much as I complain about staying at home, I do think it's best for abigail and any future babies we'd be blessed to have. How much money does he think we'd need? I will live in a one bedroom apartment if we have to, or at my moms house. Maybe we'd have to cut out going out to eat so often and my many trips to mcdonalds, I would sacrifice :) I need to eat better anyway. Maybe I could get into couponing? If I were back home at least I'd have friends around to give me my sanity. Well, thats all for tonight, I'm tired.

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