Email to my sister

Here is an email I wrote to my sister in the wee hours of the night, sorry for all the typos, too lazy to fix them. But, it shows my crazy mind, enjoy:


Maybe I'll find something, but I'll need somewhere for Abigail to go...and what if I want to have another baby? I guess that is out of the question now since we won't have money anymore. I'm really stressed out about this whole thing. I'm always online looking for jobs for me and Vinnie, it doesn't seem like Vinnie is stressed about it at all, but it is kind of a big deal. I am so bipolar about the whole thing. I love being home and just being a mom and I know someday later I can teach, and right now I should just stay at home with my babies, but then if Vinnie gets out that's not possible. I really do want to teach and I know I will. at least now i can keep renewing my license by taking some classes or doing professional development, which would be good for me anyway. Someday I really wish I could have my own classroom, I feel like I wasted all the work I did in college watching people I graduated with and people who graduated after me going on to bigger and better things when every prof I had told me how wonderful a teach I would be and how I literally kicked everyone's ass in those classes I took, yet, they have the jobs, I know they didn't get married or have kids (although some do now). Maybe I did things backwards, I know according to mom's plan did, she always told us college, career, married, babies...I kinda f*ed that up and now it's biting me in the bum. I just have to wait to have a career. I almost feel like I had a baby in high school or college and couldn't finish my degree. Funny thing is that the people who did have babies in high school and college are doing just fine and their babies are old enough now that they are finishing school now and getting jobs..

wow, tangent. sorry. But you see my point. My brain is a mess. Maybe I just need counseling and someone to tell me what I should do. I know every year when school starts I'm going to get the urge again...no matter what I decide. When I see job openings I can't help but want them.

Maybe I should just whip out some babies now and then when they are all in school try to be a teacher again...sigh, sounds like a long time. Even if I started now, ok, new baby wouldn't be born until late june/july...ok then add 3-4 years to that, so we're talking 5 years, and if I want another one and go for it when the 2nd one is about 2 then that's another 3-4 years or so, so probably like 8-10 years before I teach...ugh You see my problem? I am crazy.

The point is I have no idea what I want. DO I want to give up time with my babies to go hang out with someone else's babies? I feel like I should have waited until my babies were in school to go to college, that would have made more sense, maybe, I don't know, that's what a lot of people do these days and you usually think they don't have their stuff together, but maybe they are smarter than all of us? hmmm....
OK, I'll leave you alone, I know you have a job and it's a doosy. Oh, shower date sounds good, I hope I can find a really ridiculous old bridesmaid dress. I'll start planning now. Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another plan

So it seems like I have a new plan about every day, but this time I think I might follow through. I can start substitute teaching (something i don't really want to do but oh well) in the Clover Park School district. I'm going to call tomorrow to see if I can set up an orientation. So, that'll be good, just makes child care a little hard since i don't have any clear hours and it doesn't look like I'll get in on post for awhile. So, I'm thinking that even if I don't end up making any money (bc of daycare) it'll still be good experience for me, maybe 2-3 times a week and if i like it and abigail seems ok maybe more if I can get the hours.

Looks like Vinnie plans to get out, he kinda gave me a run-down on what he kinda sees us doing in the future and it sounded ok, at least with teaching you get time off and you can take time when you have kids, I hate the idea of not being home with my kids to go teach other kids, but there is a chance to do job-sharing with my sister in the future, so we shall see about that.

Well, I'm sleepy, but can't sleep. I guess I'm going to try.

Change in plans?

Ugh, so the other day Vinnie says "Can you get a job at home because I'm getting out and we're moving home" What?!? Where did this come from, he sounded very decided. The answer to his question is that I have no idea, like I explained before I kind of missed my opportunity. My resume is really starting to look old, especially once 2011 comes along and I can't find any job out here, it just sucks. I have no idea what's going on now. I am so blah about this whole thing anymore.
Vinnie likes the Army, I think he just isn't really enjoying being gone for what seems like the entire day, he maybe sees Abigail for 1/2 hour before she goes to bed. Maybe that is part of it.

I just don't know... what am I going to do? There's no way for me to know if there will be anything back home for me. I hope so, but I probably need to find something here to beef up the resume.

So, back to square one...

Are you ready for some football?

Oh, you know I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today officially marks the beginning of my favorite time of year, oh how I love football. Yes, maybe it helps that the Colts are consistently good, but they haven't always been that way. When we had season tickets..yes we'd drive all the way down to Indy on a Sunday morning...they were terrible...I'm talking 3-13. It started to get too expensive for our family so we got rid of our season tickets, probably a year or two before Peyton arrived. So be it, they still rule and I'm still excited. Oh, Colts, can you believe they were in the Superbowl last year? Awesome. Anyway, being out in Washington actually makes it a lot easier to be a Colts fan then back at home, you are a total outcast if you are a Colts fan in "Da Region" it's like, how dare you? well, I do dare, sorry, I was brought up a Colts fan and that's just the way it is. Of course Vinnie is a Bears fan bc he still says he's from Chicago anytime someone asks him where he's from (he moved to Indiana when he was 5) I let him get away with it bc he is really proud of it, but it drives me crazy. Anyway, let's just say the last few years haven't been too much fun watching the Bears, and forget that Superbowl that was supposed to be super fun, it ended up being me watching the 2nd half alone with the chicken wings...
Anyway, I absolutely LOVE football season and no other time more than Sunday Night Football. Why you ask? Yes, the Colts are on it quite often (again didn't used to be that way, we'd be lucky to catch a couple games on TV if we were able to tune into the South Bend channel) but the real reason I love Sunday Night Football is because in college, every weekend, my goal was to have ALL of my work done by Sunday Night Football, I'm talking everything, including studying. So, I always did it and by the time the song started, no matter what, the books closed and I relaxed and had no more cares. So, even now, when I hear the song start I get a smile on my face and I am soooooooooooo happy. Oh I can't wait until Sunday, but tonight's game should also be awesome, even though I don't really want to hear about Favre and his stupid ankle and how he's old nor do I want to hear about how the Saints won the Superbowl and somehow saved New Orleans, but if I have to watch on mute, I will.

So here's to football, a true American treasure...

Update

Nothing like having the rug pulled out from underneath you. So, those teacher assistant positions are all filled up at that school district, and I screwed the pooch with my crappy resume at the other school districts, i still didn't apply at steilacoom and puyallup yet, but I don't know, I check it out and see what's up and give an update later


7:16pm
Well I finally got an email from North Thurston County Public Schools that my application is finally complete and available to hiring administrators. Sweet, since school started today! Anyway, there are still 3 positions open if the website is accurate, maybe I'll get a call, I'm not expecting anything since I have nothing on my resume since 2008 and all my spelling errors, those go right to the shredder, but maybe they won't notice? yeah right. Well, I might get prepped for an interview just in case, still need to work on my portfolio, I probably won't have a super awesome one, but I'll have something, I'm just not in the mood to put the effort in right now.

Oh and Vinnie comes home today and asks me if I'd be able to get a job back home if he gets out, I said I don't know why, and he said, that's not an answer. A few minutes later he said Ok i'm getting out and we are moving home. Well, that isn't the first time that has been said, so I don't know if he was serious or what, I'm sure we'll chat more tonight...

New plan

Ok, so new plan. I think I might volunteer at a school on post. It's a little hard to justify since I will have to pay $4 an hour for child care and not be getting paid, but I need to get some experience and keep my resume updated best I can and still remain flexible. My hope is to be able to work in an actual classroom helping out the teacher with group work or individual students, I know how teachers love and need extra help, and even better if it isn't a parent who is just trying to keep an eye on their kid and get extra parent teacher conferences! Now I just need to decide how much time I want to spend. I figure, I'd like to get a new reference/recommendation so the more time I spend getting to know whoever the better, but again, the daycare comes into play. Maybe a couple hours a couple days a week would be enough?

Another option is to be a teacher's assistant...paid. There are actually a couple of openings on post, the hours are good, not too many, and I'd be paid so I can better justify child care. One opening is only like 3 hours a day which would be perfect. Right now I'm trying to get info on how to apply, it's kinda confusing. I think that could be good though.

Also, I'm going to try to work out on post instead of Globo Gym. I think I can "make it work"

On another note, I finally found a good website where I can find professional development conferences for teachers! I found a freakin awesome one in Washington, not super far away. $125 but it's all about reading and literacy instruction, which would be great and the keynote guy is the main guy we focused on in my final methods class. So, I think I may have to go for that.

I got about 2 hours of sleep last night. I need to figure this out, I hate not sleeping, I feel terrible all day and I can't blame Abigail anymore... well, I need to try to get some rest while abigail is relaxing, oh wait nope, she's up

Hard to explain

So, I think I decided to just stay home. But, I also need to get out. Back when I was living at home I made time to get out and go to the gym almost everyday, I was able to make it happen because I was around family willing to watch Abigail for an hour or two. A few weeks ago Vinnie said something about how being home is still really new and weird and every once in awhile he needs to get out on his own. Completely understandable, so every once in awhile he'll go to the store or pick up food, etc. without us. He also "gets" to go to work to get a "break" I know I'm throwing those words around loosely, I know work isn't a break, but maybe you know what I mean. I also need these breaks. I need time to clear my mind and just be stress free for a little bit. Normally if I get a minute (like when Abigail is napping, more like if) I try to get a quick rest because I can't sleep at night, but I want something more. So i'm thinking about joining a gym again.

Now, I know on post I can go to a gym for free and get free child care while I work out. So, i should just go there, BUT it takes at least 20 minutes to get there and when I get there the child care might be full...doesn't sound stress free to me. I know that's where Vinnie want me to go and maybe if I lived closer, I would. I'm thinking about doing LA Fitness since it is literally 5 seconds away from my house and it reminds me of Globo Gym from DodgeballThis is LA Fitness

Best pic of Globo Gym I could find

I know I would use it, probably everyday, they have child care but I'm not sure of the cost and I'm a little nervous about getting scammed into a long term contract on accident. I really think I'd go though, but I don't know...ugh.

On a better note I had lunch with a friend today and it was nice, haven't hung out since the boys got back and now she's moving :( If we stay in I'll be following her to Benning so that's cool. She has been a real mentor for me, I don't know if I would have made it this far as an army wife without her! Ok nighty night!

Curse you Word!

So, I submitted a plain text resume on a website today and noticed I had some typos in it. Are you f-ing kidding me! I am so freakin stupid, I know they shred resumes with incorrect spelling, so I am totally screwed out of a job in any school district around here, but I guess I already decided not to teach so oh well right?
I think it will be hard to ever get a teaching job being I will never be anywhere for long enough to "get my foot in the door" which is the only way to get a teaching job in a place where you know no one. Most teachers get there first job bc of student teaching, usually offered a long-term sub position followed by a full time gig. I was offered Kindergarten maternity leave and another Kindergarten position following student teaching, BUT I had to move to Washington. Things would be very different if we weren't in the Army, so weird to think about, I would have taken that job... no Abigail, at least not yet.

I would make an attempt at getting my foot in the door here but it seems pointless since i won't be here long enough to reap the benefits.

So the never ending stay in or get out topic came up again today... ugh, I just don't know. All I know is I feel useless around here. I don't know how I can make this "job" better. It doesn't help that when I ask Vinnie what he wants to do he says "stay at home with Abigail" yeah i know it sounds like all fun and games, but it's exhausting and you are trying to get 80 things done during the day and end up only getting maybe 2 things done which makes you feel like a failure. It isn't all that fun, plus you have nothing to show for what you did all day. When the hubby comes home and asks what I did all day I really don't have anything to say and I hate that, If I had a job I would automatically feel useful, right now, I just feel lazy and I know I'm not. Well, I'm tired and need to sleep, but who knows if that'll happen

I think I've decided

ugh, So maybe I wasted money, but maybe I finally have decided. I don't want to go to work. I just don't think I can right now, I have to wait until Abigail is older. I know I will probably try for more little ones, and if that happens, that'd be great, maybe I'll never teach, which is kind of sad, but oh well. I think I should take advantage of being able to stay home. I just don't think I could put Abigail in daycare knowing that I had a choice, she doesn't HAVE to go. Ugh, I know, I am dumb for thinking I could do it, maybe if I would have more time to prepare, like make sure I had a place for Abigail to go and let her get used to it, etc. but I wouldn't have that if I got a job. I almost thought about applying for a teacher aide at a school on post, but really, I just don't think I want to do that. I still might volunteer, but again, I don't really trust the on post day care, I don't know why, but when I went there to register it just seemed like a mad house. Well, it's almost 2:30 am now, I really need to get some sleep, but obviously this had been on my mind. I just have to tell myself things will all work out. I just hate to but myself at a disadvantage in the future, but I'm hoping one day, if I'm back at home or near home my sis will still be teaching and can get me a job...who knows...I just would hate to lose my connections, and my references will forget me and my letters of rec will be out of date and...oh geez, here I go again! Why can't I just live in the present!

My sister's old classroom. So jealous!

Still confused

So, yeah, still haven't figured anything out yet, what else is new? It's hard to really try to make any decisions when I don't know where I will be next year. I'm assuming that Vinnie will stay in, even though I know if I told him I wanted him out he'd get out, but I don't know what I want. I think army fits him, his personality, it just seems like a good fit and he's generally happy with it. Plus, he has mentioned to a few people something about the career course which means he'd be staying in, so I'm thinking that is what he wants.

Anyway, I think maybe I have decided to just enjoy the opportunity I have to stay at home, not everyone these days has that as a choice. I just am not that good of a house wife, I can't help but feel like a crappy janitor and terrible cook pretty much everyday. I'm really not good at it and I get into caring for Abigail and all of the sudden Vinnie will be home soon and I haven't done anything and so I feel like I am not contributing anything. I think maybe if I just stop thinking about the job thing and concentrate on being a wife and mom I could do better.

I do need to try to get out more, staying at home is what is driving me crazy. I'd like to start working out again too. We shall see.

I'm wondering if I could find some teacher workshops or maybe even volunteer in a classroom a couple times a week? hmm, that could be an idea, it would get me in the classroom even if I don't get paid, oh well. I should check into that.

I drive myself crazy!

I am starting to get annoyed with myself. Why is it that I have no clue what I want? I keep changing my mind, sometimes I get really pumped up about something and less than 24 hours later I'm completely over it. So I was all excited about maybe teaching upper grade 4-6, then I was all pumped for Kindergarten, then yesterday I said screw it all I want to teach little guys, pre-K and was seriously really excited about the possibility. But now, I'm like, man I really don't think I want to teach little guys... do I even have the personality? I don't know, I've worked with Kindergarten before and they seemed to like me, but who knows. Maybe I should have just stuck with my original plan and gone the high school teacher route...I changed to el ed after my sophomore year bc I didn't feel old enough to teach high schoolers and I was about to start my field experience in the next semester.

My 5th graders, I had already phased out by this time, but I miss them :( They are 7th graders now!
Below is the word wall from my 3rd grade class. I miss them too! They are 6th graders! Now I'd really like to be a college prof, but I kinda screwed myself with an el ed major, because I would not want a masters in el ed or anything related to education, I would want a PHD in history, BUT it might be impossible to find a program that will take me as an el ed major, the only math I had was 3 semesters of "teacher math" which actually was kinda hard even if i got A+ s in the classes, other people failed so... and my science classes were hard and normal science classes but I'm probably screwed because they are for "Elementary teachers" great...waste of time, wanna know what the difference is? You write a freakin unit plan in an el ed biology or physics class and you learn how to TEACH that craziness to others, I feel like it was probably harder than a normal class, but what can you do. Also, no foreign language was required, even though I took some, but I am in no way fluent, and to get into grad school for history you have to be able to read and write in a foreign language...sigh...

Anyway, that was a tangent. Basically I have no clue. Maybe I should just try to be the best wife and mom I can be and just leave it at that. For some reason, it just doesn't feel right, or it just doesn't feel like what I am supposed to do... it just wasn't where I saw myself, I know life changes your plans and you can't control everything.

Every day that goes by I feel like I'm losing my teaching mojo. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I freakin rule, I mean I am the shiz, at least I was, ideas and things i learned are becoming harder to remember and I'm already starting to feel out of date when I used to be ahead of the game (being that IU is a research school so we always had the latest teaching theories). ugh, well, this post is going nowhere. I think I'm done, I quit, I'll just be goody good-wife and maybe an FRG leader (yeah, I was "offered" it and I know nothing about it)- imagine me all FRG leader like...haha, I don't have the social skills for that one. OK i'm done, nighty night

Something sweet but sad

This post was originally meant to talk about my indecisiveness BUT I am also watching baby story and I have to share. The people on lost their baby at 35 weeks, reminds me sadly of little Olivia. The baby's name was Estella, Stella for short. Anyway, this couple now makes little care baskets for parents who lose children, it is so sweet, they call it Stella's Angels. I am actually surprised they are willing to film the baby story for TV because of their past, but they are. It's still on, but I am going to go ahead and assume all goes well. I guess they just found out that the cord isn't attached properly to the baby, I hope that doesn't cause any problems. Oh, looks like she is going to be induced at 36 weeks just in case. They are naming this baby Eva which means Life. Ok, well, that's all for now. I'll chat about indecisiveness later...