Monday, February 7, 2011

Feeling crazy again.

I know I made the decision to stay home because it just hurt my brain to try to think about how in the world I'd ever get a teaching jump with zero experience in a place where I have no connections. I am pretty sure, if I were back home I would be teaching. I probably would have stayed home with Abigail for the first year or so, but I think I would be teaching. I know I enjoyed student teaching, but obviously I've never had my own class. I don't even know if I'd like it and I am sitting here and waiting for a day that may never come where I am teaching and maybe I will hate it. I know I will not make enough money teaching so Vinnie could stay home, unless we lived at my house (which can get a little nutty).

It's just to hard to try to plan for the future. I can't just go look for a job, it doesn't work like that. I wouldn't want to work in an unfamiliar area, I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's true. You know when they ask in an interview why you want to work in that district? I want to actually have an answer. I really want to work for Valpo Community Schools (where I student taught). I liked the school system there. Hobart is a little too nutty for me, but maybe I could make a difference there....doubt it. My sister works her booty off and gets no respect for it.

I want to work, I want to teach, just not here, I want to teach back home. Could I leave Abigail? That I'm not sure of. I know if a had a family member watching her I would have no issue at all, but I don't think I could ever use my family as a daycare, that's not their job. I don't know if I could just drop Abigail off somewhere, I really don't think I could. So, there's that. Maybe my sister can have a baby and I can take her job (even though it's in Hobart) and she can watch Abigail for me, or we could job share..... Ugh!!!!!!!!!!! This sucks.

Sometimes I just start crying and getting upset for no reason. I don't have a horrible life, but a lot of times I think it's not really for me, this whole SAHM, I'm trying really hard to be good at it, but I can't help feeling like it's a degrading job, constantly cleaning up after everyone, doing everyone's dirty work... I don't know. Well, enough whining, there are no jobs back home anyway even if I wanted to pursue it and I wouldn't know when Vinnie would be getting out, so it's worthless to even look into. It seems like the Army gets you in and then you are kinda stuck because you don't want to give up what you have and risk it out there in this economy.

Well, maybe I'll write more later.

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