Sorry again

I know I said I was gonna try to do better blogging. But honestly I don't feel like I can really express my feelings on here anymore the way I want to. I don't have anything to hide from Hubby but he gets upset if I say anything negative. Since I pretty much have depression I can hardly ever express a positive thought. So that leaves me with nothing. I think it's good for him to read about how I feel even though I know I should talk to him directly like a normal person I just can't bring myself to do it. No matter what I say he cant understand how I feel so what's the point. Everything I say is just an excuse. I just look for a little empathy I guess. Well I was going to type s lot tonight but of coarse my computer died and so I'm typing on my phone. Maybe tomorrow night I'll be better able to update on my feelings lately. Good night

Hello, making a comeback

So, I doubt anyone is reading my blog, but I am going to try to write some more. Things have been a little busy:

First let me send out a huge CONGRATULATIONS to my friends Priscilla and James. On Tuesday Priscilla and James welcomed their healthy rainbow baby boy Samuel Ryan! I am so excited for them, there are no words. I can't wait to meet the little guy, but of coarse she lives across the country, but we will find a way.

Another CONGRATULATIONS goes out to my big sister Carrie and her new husband Josh who were married last Saturday. It was an amazing wedding/reception. It was so hot that day, upper 90s and she was having an outdoor wedding. Then, abut 1/2 hour before the wedding was to start a giant storm rolled in, I mean tornadoes people. But, my sister so calm and collected said no big deal, move it in the chapel, and it was beautiful, and we were able to sing "going to the chapel" on the way in the limo, so it worked out.

On another note, since my whole family knows now, Vinnie and I are expecting number 2! I know, pretty awesome. I'm only 8-9 weeks and haven't been to the doctor yet, so we shall see how things are going, not sure yet, hopefully all is well. So, now that I'm not a crazy person I am free to talk names!!!!! I think we have our boy name for sure:

Benjamin Clark
It's possible the middle name could change to Christopher or Kevin, but unlikely.

For girls, it is interesting, there are just so many names I like. I like Caroline, Elizabeth and Emmalyn

I'm trying to find a way to convince others that Emmalyn is awesome, I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I have gotten the "eh" from everyone in my family on that one, but I just love it for some reason even though it's different from my name style. Elizabeth is my sister's middle name, and I really want to use it no matter what, first or middle. So not sure.

Well, that's my update. Talk to ya later.

Is there a job for me?

Starting to think there isn't. Jobs just keep disappearing on me. It is pretty depressing. I was hoping that charter school I interviewed for would be the one, i ROCKED THE interview, but got screwed bc I'm out here in WA. This just sucks, I need a job really bad. I know the market sucks, blah blah blah, but I know A LOT of people who got teaching jobs who honestly, should not be teachers. I don't know what else I can do, I'm just blah right now. I'm too tired to do anymore applications, especially this one with 8 questions that I want to answer 10 different ways. Will they even read it? I'm thinking no. Alright, well I'm gonna rest, can't do anymore right now.

Sorry!

Sorry it's been forever. I am just really busy lately, a lot going on. I am trying to find a job across the country. However, if I get the job I will have to leave Washington and take the baby with (away from Vinnie) for awhile, probably October. That's a long time. I don't know what to do anymore. It's all so confusing, I'm just stuck in limbo all the time.

On another note, my new favorite baby names:

Benjamin Clark

Audrey Elizabeth

What do you think?

Sorry MIA

Hey, just want to drop a quick note to say I'm still here. I've been real busy between my trip home and applying for teaching jobs. Hopefully I'll get back into a swing of things.

Weekend

Well, it's a 4day weekend for the hubby, which doesn't really mean much for me other than I get to see him a little more. I didn't get out of the house today, it's just been one of those days, I can't explain it all right now.

Also, I think I officially give up trying to make friends, it just isn't worth the disappointment anymore, apparently people aren't as desperate to make friends as I am.

I don't really feel like writing. I'm going to bed early, just sick of everything right now, I need to check out.

I'm thinking I might just join a gym tomorrow even though I'm leaving in a few days for two weeks, oh well, it needs to be done. I'm s disappointed that I have gained 20lbs it's just another thing to add to the "I suck at life" list. Well, going to bed, at 8pm. Goodnight.

Yep

Yet again I cannot come up with a title. Just to warn you, my "o" button isn't working well, so if any words are missing "o"s I'm sorry.

Well, I have started the process of applying for teaching jobs back home. I'm pretty excited, but nervous too, we'll see.

On another note, why am I addicted to tragedy? What is wrong with me? I follow people's blog who have lost children and spouses. I am always reading posts on the Grief and Loss part of message boards. I even watched the last Army wives episode 3 1/2 times. I don't know what my deal is. Do I want to freak myself out, become more aware? Try to sympathize? I haven't got any idea. I wish I knew, if you know please tell me.

I'm going home Wednesday for Carrie's shower, pretty excited to go home, I might just cry and kiss the ground when I arrive, I basically did that last time (sept 2009). Wow, I really miss home.

Vinnie has a 4 day, so that's exciting, although we have no plans. I'm trying to get together with a new wife, so we'll see if that happens, I'm kind of a failure when it comes to making friends.

Umm, nothing much else going on except I found Abigail naked in her crib this morning and it was hilarious, at least she didn't poop.

Hello, it' s me, crazy

Well, nursing is out, at least for now, I guess that was a short lived dream, but maybe one day I'll do it. It's just too expensive to go back to school right now, I owe too much money, and I haven't given teaching a chance yet to just switch careers.

On another note, I had a coffee tonight, more of a farewell to the BN commander's wife. It was nice. I feel like a fool though, I mean I finally made a new friend, but for some reason I don't act like myself around her, I mean, maybe i am so desperate for friends I will act how I think they want me to act. I know that sounds crazy, but I felt kinda dumb, bc we carpooled with a girl who is kind of new who I think I have a lot in common with, but I'm sure she doesn't think so with the way I acted, I wasn't super crazy or anything, just, not really me. Anyway, like my real self I sent her a FB message apologizing and hoping that she doesn't think I'm crazy. Right now I think a lot of people think I'm nuts. I FB messaged a girl I met in Nov who moved to GA who has a baby Abigail's age and is now preggo with a new baby. I know I don't know her that well, but I figured we are Army wives, you kinda skip the whole getting to know you stage and just move on to being friends, right? Well I know I'm a crazy person, but I sent her a message saying I would be happy to talk baby names with her since we have the same naming style and we HAD talked about baby names the night we met, so it wasn't way out there. Anyway, that was a while ago and she never wrote me back, so now i feel like a crazy person. I also FB messaged my college roommate kinda telling her all that has happened the last few years and asking her how things were going (might not sound weird, but we literally NEVER spoke to each other in college) and I haven't heard back from her. I also FB messaged someone else and haven't heard back from them. Maybe I am a little too crazy? I know it's hard to make good friends in the Army world, but I know for sure I have one. I guess if one is all I got then that's ok. I just need to get to GA so I can hang out with her bc it's getting lonely out here. Ok, goodnight.

Nursing

So I'm really thinking about it. It's kind of exciting to think about going back to school. I haven't talked to Vinnie about it yet, but we'll. I need to talk to the people at IUN and see if there are waitlists, what classes I need to take before I apply, what the job opportunities are, etc. I think I could be really good at it. I could see myself as a L &D nurse or a peds nurse. I know there would be rough times and days but also very rewarding ones. Well, I need to do some more research, but it's possible that I could take some classes online this summer. We'll see.

Mush brain

So all this talk of Vinnie possibly getting out of the Army is making me crazy yet again. I seriously can't stand it. Just tell me when you actually signed whatever papers and made whatever phone calls to where you are actually getting out, none of this maybe stuff anymore, I swear I'm losing it (I'll get to that later). Apparently, if Vinnie is to get out, I gotta write his resume, find him jobs, apply for them and maybe even go to the interview, I'm not sure. I know he is busy, but it doesn't make sense for me to do these things for him. I did start a resume for him, found him jobs at my dad's work (steel mill) and call in a contact (bro in law) to see if Vinnie could be a cop (since this bro-in law inquired about it when i was home) so I think I've done my part. I just can't take it anymore.

On another note, I think I'm losing my mind. I'm serious, it may sound dumb, but i'll be thinking about something and then completely lose my train of thought and have NO IDEA what I was thinking about and I am unable to recover that thought. It's freaking me out, I've never had this problem before. Another example, I'm taking a shower and get to a point where I'm holding my little scrubbie to wash myself and I'm standing there drawing a blank on what I was going to do (put soap on the scrubbie) that one really freaked me out. I hope nothing is wrong with my brain.

Beyond that, I think i remember mentioning here that I fear I might lose myself in all this wife, mom, army thing, I really think I am, and I know it's my own fault. I have ZERO confidence in myself anymore. I honestly don't think I can do anything. That weirds me out because I used to have tons of confidence. I don't even want to start anything anymore in fears of failing. I have actually been thinking about getting a CNA, LPN or even a BSN if/when we go back home. IUN has an accelerated BSN program for people who have a BA/BS already in another field. Problem is I probably have to take all these pre-reqs because I have a stupid BSED which guess is worth nothing. So dumb. Anyway, I don't think it will happen, no way Vinnie would be happy with the idea of me going back to school when I can't pay for the school I already did. But I could probably get a CNA and start working and then take classes for BSN while working, but if we want to have another baby there is no way I'd do that. That why this whole get in get out Army thing is so frustrating and annoying. I told him the other day let's just go to GA and he said, "so you want me to stay in" and I said something like " well, you know nothing is going to happen and I just want to be closer to home and not way out here anymore"

Maybe he doesn't understand how frustrating it is for me. I don't really mind being in the Army, but I can't play this game. I don't want to do anything anymore because maybe we won;t be here in a year and so it'd be dumb, so I sit in my house all day with nothing to do but constantly clean messes and then have to wake up to a mess anyway because Abigail wouldn't sleep and no I didn't have time to do the dishes and now I'm way too tired to do anything. (Can you tell I'm not looking forward to waking up to my sink full of nasty dishes)

I want to go home, but why does it have to be such a negative process. Vinnie sees no other way but for me to go to work. Well, it's not going to be easy for me to find a job, I have looked, there are NO teaching jobs back home. That's why I was thinking about the nursing thing. As much as I complain about staying at home, I do think it's best for abigail and any future babies we'd be blessed to have. How much money does he think we'd need? I will live in a one bedroom apartment if we have to, or at my moms house. Maybe we'd have to cut out going out to eat so often and my many trips to mcdonalds, I would sacrifice :) I need to eat better anyway. Maybe I could get into couponing? If I were back home at least I'd have friends around to give me my sanity. Well, thats all for tonight, I'm tired.

Going home, being alone...

Hello, so it's another few days without the hubster, :( It sucks. I don't sleep well to begin with and when he isn't here it's much worse. I didn't get much sleep last night, so I was looking forward to getting a little nap in during Abigail's nap. Well,, as usual whenever I look forward to anything it doesn't happen. Abigail decided it was a good time to climb out of her crib for the first time. To bad for her, she went right back in (after I turned it around so she could get out) she wasn't happy about it, but she stayed in there until the end up her "down time" and then we went on with the day with a super cranky baby. I was going to take her out shopping and maybe even to the hands on museum, but no way without a nap. Oh well. So now, I'm freakin tired and can't believe it's only 7:45. I hope I can sleep tonight.

In other news, I'm trying to take a break from baby names. Felling good about my top names right now Theodore Benjamin and Caroline Elizabeth.

More news, I'm going home April 6th and staying for 2 weeks. I'm pretty excited about it. I feel bad taking Abigail away from Vinnie for so long, but I guess that's just what has to happen. A lot of my family haven't seen me or her in almost a year. Btw why the heck is this year going by so quickly? Why couldn't that happen last year?

Also, I'm planning my sister's shower, it's going well, it's going to be very different, probably unlike any shower anyone has been to, but my sister is very different. It's 80s themed and it s going to rock. I'd give details, but in case my sister checks the blog I will keep them with me for now, but it's going to be awesome. Well, I'm going to go now byebye!

Ugh

Just thought about Miles with our last name and it doesn't really work, shoot. Whenever I can't have a name I want it more. Still don't know if we'll ever change our last name. Maybe if we do have a baby on the way we will decide before he/she is born and if we don't change it than that's it, we are sticking with the name we have now. Well, I've been working on baby names like crazy again lately. You've heard most of them before. Alexander is the name Vinnie and I decided on while he was deployed, we both like it, not to excited about any of the nicknames though. Here is my list of the names I would be happy to use, sort of in order:

Boys

Theodore Benjamin (Benjamin is my dad's grandpa's name)
Theodore Christopher (Chris is my brother)
Theodore Alexander
Theodore Jack (Jack is Vinnie's fav name)
Theodore Kevin (Kevin is Vinnie's Uncle, god parent and also his brother's middle name and my half brothers name)
Theodore Miles

Alexander Benjamin
Alexander Kevin
Alexander Christopher

Miles Benjamin
Miles Alexander
Miles Christopher

Nathan Alexander
Nathan Christopher
Nathan Benjamin

Girls

Caroline Elizabeth (Cara, Linny)
Lillian Elizabeth (Lily)
Emmalin Elizabeth (Em, Emmie)
Emmalyn Elizabeth

Elizabeth Caroline (Lily, Elsie, Lilibeth, Ellie)
Elizabeth Lillian

Yes I'm crazy. I have no idea how I will ever choose a girl name or a boy name even. I know I just need to chill, I'm not even pregnant!

A new name on my mind

So, I've always liked it, but it kinda seemed too trendy-like for me.

Miles

It is actually a classic old fashioned name, but doesn't really seem like it to me. I'm probably too uncomfortable with it to ever use it, but just thought I'd put it out there that I like it and see if anyone has any opinion.

a little worried he'd get called Miley.

Man, Abigail is up crying, just like last night, I don't know what her deal is. Gotta go

The weekend, and me crazy as usual

So the weekend is over, but I don't even know why I even look forward to weekends, it's all the same to me, except Vinnie is usually here. I did ask Vinnie to get Abigail Saturday morning and he must have been in a good mood because he did it! Yay! I got one morning off! I got up once I heard that she was done eating, so I didn't stay in bed too long, but it was nice. we didn't do much, just hung out, went to the mall and did a little shopping but that was about it. Abigail is so off and on you just never know how she will be, she was a crazy person yesterday, I think someone is acting 2 way too early. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, I can see why parents just give in to whatever the kid wants because you gotta get the shopping done and it can't be done with a screaming, throwing, climbing out of the cart and running all over the place toddler, so what are you supposed to do? You can't give them rules, they don't even know how to talk! I'm so lost. Sometimes I am pretty certain that we should not have another baby for awhile, I honestly wouldn't know what to do.

Anyway, I'm back to being crazy, I just wish I could figure out what I want. It's funny because I was ready back in my journal from 2007 and I was talking the exact same way, It's like I have never known what I want to do with my life, I just want to figure it out. I tried talking to Vinnie last night about future stuff. He said he doesn't like it in the Army and wants to get out, but that it just isn't a good time. I hate knowing that he doesn't like what he does, but what can I do about it? I even started making him a resume so he can give it to my dad who said he could run it through at work (he works at a steel mill) I know that's not Vinnie's dream job, but it'd be something. I think sometimes he thinks we couldn't live on anything less than he makes, but I think we could figure it out.

I also am still so totally torn on whether or not I should ever work. I think the longer I stay home the more I kinda lose my motivation to work, even at home. I just feel lazy all the time. I don't know what to do with myself.

Well, next month I will be home. I'm not excited for the flight, but couldn't be more excited to go home, I can't wait. Although, I have no idea how I will get to the airport... Sometimes I am brutally reminded that I have no friends. I have been trying to find someone to watch Abigail for my dentist appointment this week, but it looks like I have no one, so I have to cancel, I don't even feel like rescheduling because it is just so annoying, plus I need like 3 more appointments after that so it will never end. I know I need to get the work done before if/when I ever get pregnant, but I just don't feel like it anymore, it'd be so much easier if I had friends around to help out with stuff like this.

I have a feeling after I visit home I am going to want to move back home, Abigail will get to play with her cousins and see her grandparents, it's going to be hard to accept that is not the life we are meant for right now. I tell myself that things will work themselves out, but it is really stressful. Sometimes I think I should just start looking for a job at home and then if I get one move back and when Vinnie is done he can join us, that's what Army wives have to do all the time right? That sounds harsh, but I just thought I'd put it out there.

I think Vinnie thinks I'm lazy, or have gotten really lazy or something. I'm not sure what he thinks I do all day, probably just watch TV and play on the computer, I do, but just to keep my sanity. I clean at least 20 times a day, I fight with Abigail any time I try to get anything done because she wants to play on or with everything (dishwasher, washer/dryer, toilet, bathtub, trashcan, etc) so it's very hard to get things done, but I always get it done eventually, even with the multiple tantrums. Well, I guess I'll go, I need to get some work done. Have a nice week.

Hello

Well, dad left yesterday, so it's back to normal around here. I really need to clean this place. I've been trying, but Abigail doesn't let me do much, if I start doing something she wants to get into it and then she will get mad and she also gets upset if I close a door and cleaning requires me to open and close a lot of doors so it just isn't worth it to me. I try to clean when she takes her short nap but that is the last thing I want to do during my break, plus I need to eat. I'd clean when she goes to bed, but that's my time watching some TV with the hubs and nothing is worse than when i'm running around cleaning and he's just sitting there on the couch. Damn, I just remembered it'd garbage day tomorrow. Should I get out of bed and do it? Probably, damn, this sucks.

OK, well, I'll do it in a minute. That just totally ruined my night. Anyway, nothing good was on tonight so Vinnie and I decided to play scrabble where he beat me by one point on some junk he was laying down at the end. Plus, he was starting to get grumpy and ready to quit to I let him put a word down that was a brand name and it didn't look right, but I let it go anyway, didn't want him to quit and it turns out it was spelled wrong and he got a bunch of points for it. Oh well, it was still fun.

Alright, well, I was going to write about baby names, but now I got to go do the stupid garbage/recycling while Vinnie slumbers away. Maybe I'll be back to write more.

Ok, I took out the garbage and such. Man, now I'm tired, and hungry. Anyway, no nothing really new on the baby name front. Vinnie won't tell me if he likes Caroline, says he isn't discussing girl names because we are having a boy...ok. He told me he doesn't like Nathan, so oh well. I do like Theodore, and the more I read about it, the more I like it. I just worry because I can't imagine Vinnie as a Theodore, or Theo, or Ted, or Teddy and if we have a boy he could look just like Vinnie. But, I suppose a lot of people wouldn't think he looks like a Vincent either. I think the middle name would be Jack, even though it doesn't sound right to me, maybe one syllable names just bother me. I would use Jackson (after Andrew Jackson) but I don't like the trendiness of it. I think Theodore Jackson sounds better though. On the girl front, I still love Caroline Elizabeth, but Emmalin/ Emmalyn is making a comeback. I just like that name for some reason! hmm, who knows. Hopefully I will have a chance to have another baby so I can actually use some of these names.
I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but Vinnie and I may someday change our last name. Vinnie has no/negative relationship with his dad and we had agreed long before we married that we would take his mother's maiden name upon marriage. However, he and his dad rekindled their relationship right around the time we got married, so we kept the name. That relationship no longer exists and although I can handle the name, I don't like it at all. I mean I spend so much time worrying about first names when my kid/kids will grow up with this name which is normally pronounced in a way that makes it rhyme with penis? I can't stand it! No one says is right and even when they do I don't like it. I remember, the year after I married I had to use my new name in a school with students, I introduced myself and right off the bat a kid said, 'like rhinoceros?" Not a big deal, but I already was uncomfortable with the name. I've learned to deal with it, I don't correct people on the phone or anything, but I know it will be a problem forever. Anyway, we are thinking about changing it, even though it's more complicated now than before (especially since we have Abigail) but our new name would be McMillen and I freakin love that name. I don't even know what states rules to follow to change it since I'm in Washington but a resident of Indiana, so annoying, I should just change my license.
Only about one month until I get to go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coffee and such...

So, tonight we had a coffee..yay. It was cool though, my new friend here picked me up and then we picked up another girl who she had just met. She is brand new to the Army thing, so she is refreshing, since I've been the newbie for so long. Anyway, she was really nice, looks like we might have a lot in common, so that's cool. She just got her degree in El Ed and is substitute teaching in Dupont and Steilacoom. She said it's really good and not bad at all, but I found myself really not interested in working for the first time in a long time. I think I am finally content being a stay at home mom, I am excited now to really start showing Abigail the world and teach her a lot of new things. I'm still working on the Montessori thing, I think it is helping. We went to the Hands on Childrens Museum the other day and Abigail really liked it, I might get a membership, it's like $75 for the whole year for all of us and we can apply the 25 we spent the other day towards membership, so I think that'd be fun to do.

Well, i'm pretty tired. Have a good night!

It's late

I'm going to bed but I have no one else to talk to but these are the names I'm loving today

Theodore Jack nn Teddy, Theo, TR

Caroline Elizabeth

Lillian something nn Lily

Comments? I know nothing much new just on my mind.

quick update

Sorry I haven't been updating lately. My dad is here for a visit! Yay! So we have been busy, stayed in Seattle a couple of nights, went to the Pike Place Market (again) ate there, then rode the ducks, which was very entertaining and fun, I recommend it. I've done duck rides in the Dells, but this was my first Seattle duck ride. My dad wanted to stay at this place called the Cedarbrooke Lodge (I think that was it) anyway, it's like rated one of the top hotels in the world. well, it was nice, but I wouldn't say it was anything special, they didn't even have a pool. I guess it's more for company retreats, but they didn't even have a pool. One plus was free all you can eat Hagen Dasz (can't spell) ice cream. Well, i'll try to update more later, baby is wanting me. byebye

Today

Today was going great, I got my nails done and my eyebrows done, Vinnie walked Abigail around the mall for awhile.

But tonight was terrible. Goodnight.

yep

Bad day

Home

So, I really think I want to be home. I just miss it so much. There are so many reasons, but I will only talk about a few right now. Everyone knows I am a homebody, I mean most people love their families, obviously, but I actually enjoy being around them all the time. That is why I went home during deployment. I was the child growing up who told her mom that she was going to live across the street when she grew up and now I am the ONLY one that doesn't live close to home, it's craziness. Yes, my brother was in the military for 14 years, so he was gone for quite awhile, my sister went to college and lived in California for a little while, but now they are all back home and I am so jealous. I want Abigail to know her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I miss my grandparents, I know I am running out of time with them, I hate being so far from home and them not getting to know Abigail and not having memories of Abigail with them. I miss having friends. Yes, I know a couple people here, are they friends? I don't know, would I call them if I needed something? Would they visit me in the hospital? Would they go see a movie with me, I don't know. They don't really know me and there just isn't enough time to get to know someone that you only see every once in awhile. I miss my friends at home, no I don't have a lot of friends, but I have a couple really great friends and I miss them. Do I hang out with them everyday? Nope, but I know if I needed them they'd be there in an instant, I miss that. A lot of people I know have or are having babies now so we could get together with or without the kids and we'd have something in common. I just want my own house. It's hard to feel like I'm home when this isn't really my home and I don't know where I'll be next. I know home is where the heart is and I love Vinnie and Abigail, but a large part of my heart is back home. I need my mom. I need her guidance and advice. All of her kids turned out awesome and I want to know how she did it! Also, I want to know my nieces, nephews, etc. My nieces don't even know who I am anymore and that sucks. They would never want to hang out with me because I am practically a stranger to them and I haven't even met my newest niece who was born in September. Well, that's my vent for now....

If we went home, I would get a job if I had to, no guarantee that I'd find one, but I'd do something, if I have to work at McDonald's I will. At least at home I have more references and more of a chance at finding something.

I don't know what Vinnie would do for work, I'm sure he could figure it out. He could get something temporarily while he's looking for something better, you know, don't wait out for the big kahuna, just take what you can get and then keep looking.

I know this won't happen, and if it does it won't happen for a long time, it's too scary to get out of the military and dive into the unknown, but we could make it work. We have the support of our families and could stay with them if we had to, we only have to be able to pay our non house related bills.

Ok, I really am done now.. byebye :)

Oh how sweet!

I think I have decided that I really LOVE the name Caroline Elizabeth and if Vinnie approves I couldn't imagine me changing my mind. I just listened to Sweet, Caroline like 4 times and I am so in love. Plus my mom loves Neil Diamond (side note).

Just thought I'd let ya know :)

I wish there were easy answers

This whole thing just drives me crazy. I know I don't want to work full time, at least not now while Abigail is little and I don't have to. But I know that I need something outside the house that is my own. A part-time job makes sense, but then I'd also have to put Abigail in daycare and I'd be committed (even if it's part time) and not be able to really work around the crazy Army schedule or visitors coming to town or trips home. What I'd really like to do is volunteer in a classroom, but I cannot justify putting Abigail in daycare a couple hours a day or week and not making any money to pay for it. I wish I were home sometimes, then I'd have grandma for those kind of things, I WOULD NEVER use my mom or Vinnie's mom as a permanent babysitter, but for a couple hours every now and then, I think that would be ok.
I get so stressed sometimes because sometimes it seems like we'll be in this army thing for 20 years and other times we are getting out tomorrow. I need to know what the plan is. If Vinnie gets out we should put off having a baby because we won't know what we'll be doing, I don't want to HAVE to work full time with a newborn.

But anyway, I need something, something to make me, me and some interaction and smart conversations with adults. I miss college so much. I could go back to school, but if I increase my education it actually lessens my chance of getting a teaching job, unless I were to go for a PHD and be a professor, which is what I ultimately want. One idea I had was studying up for taking the test to add Social Studies 6-12 to my license, but I'm not sure if I even qualify to do that yet, but that'd be something, I could even try adding some other things as well (math, science, special ed) that would make me more hireable in the future (even though my license expires in May, I can hopefully renew it another 2 years. I think I should look into that. Like I was saying earlier I'd also like to really get my portfolio nice and ready for the future. I'm thinking maybe next week I'm going to try to start leaving the house Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours after Vinnie gets home to work on some of these things for me.

Well, that's it tonight. Pretty tired. Nighty-night

Hello again

Just decided to chat to myself here. Ok so I really like the name Caroline, i don't think anyone else likes it. I also like the name Emmalin which not too many people like. I like the spelling Emmeline but that is not pronounced the way i like but it is an actual name, i guess you could say. I just feel kinda weird with a sort of "made up" name, but I sounds almost classic to me, but maybe it's just me. Emma is so popular right now though... I wonder what Vinnie thinks? I should probably ask even though he probably thinks I'm crazy.

I think Caroline Elizabeth or Emmalin Elizabeth sound great.

what do you think? Emmalin, Emmaline, Emmeline, Emmalyn, Emalyn, Emmalynn

It kinda worries me that there are so many spellings. That's what makes me lean toward Caroline, but then you have the pronunciation issue, but I don't mind either Caroline and Carolyn, and I would try to make her ok with either so it wouldn't bother her.


Boy names. I think i still love Theodore. Does it sound too snobby? Does Theodore Jack sound funny? I think i could deal with that. Ok, I guess I"m done being nuts...

Better update

So, I think Vinnie is trying to change posts, but does he tell me anything? Nope, I find out while he's on the phone with one of his old soldiers, but oh well, I'm not gonna start planning for life in GA quite yet. I love it here in Washington and if you could transplant my family here I would stay forever, but it's just too far from home for me. I just want the option of driving home one a weekend if I really wanted/needed to.

I guess I don't have much of an update besides I am trying to get involved in the FRG, maybe co-leader, the leader chick has it together so I don't think I'd really have to do much but it'd give me something to do. I suppose I could even put it on a resume if I really wanted to, try to make it relevant to whatever.

So, yeah, I guess I don't have much to update with. Oh I met some ladies at the park yesterday, it was nice talking to adults for once, so maybe doing a playgroup would be alright, but only if it's within walking distance to my house and I can leave whenever I want...maybe that's too much to ask. well, maybe I'll just have playdates with whoever is at the park. Alrighty.

Oh I got my Montessori book the other day and read it cover to cover in less than a day, it was really good, I recommend it. I don't agree with everything, but I like a lot of what they say.

Still thinking about names, but in a more relaxed way than before because we already have "names" in case I don't come up with something better, so it's much better now.

Girls
Emmaline Elizabeth?
Elizabeth Lillian?
Caroline Elizabeth?
Emmalin/Emmalyn Elizabeth?
hmmm

Boys
Theodore Jack
John Henry "Jack"
Drawing a blank...

Names again

So I know I need a real entry but I'm on my phone ready to go to bed so it's not gonna be tonight. Just can't get two names out of my mind.
One is Emmalin which I actually prefer spelling it that way since I hate Ys but anyway I love it. No one in mt family likes it. Vinnie loves it too but is it too made up? It doesn't sound made up to ne because it sounds like Evelyn. I could t name a child that while we are still in the army life bc I know I'd get rolled eyes from army wives. I love the nicknames Em and Emmy, I get so excited when I hear this name on Army Wives, seems likes it's very hated in the baby naming community for some reason, I guess it's considered a made up name, which I don't usually like, but this one I really like. Oh and another small problem is that I have a niece named Emily.

The second name is Caroline. I just love thus name for some reason. I mean I really do. If I went with Caroline Elizabeth it sounds a lot like my sisters name (Carrie Elizabeth ). I'm a little worried that there aren't any good nicknames for Caroline. I don't like Carol, but I suppose care-bear or linny would be ok with me.

I still love Elizabeth as a first name but I'm worried I'll end up calling her lizbeth or Liz just bc it comes natural with that name but I do t like it. I think I'd want to call her lilibeth even though I know it's weird.

Opinions?

Feeling crazy again.

I know I made the decision to stay home because it just hurt my brain to try to think about how in the world I'd ever get a teaching jump with zero experience in a place where I have no connections. I am pretty sure, if I were back home I would be teaching. I probably would have stayed home with Abigail for the first year or so, but I think I would be teaching. I know I enjoyed student teaching, but obviously I've never had my own class. I don't even know if I'd like it and I am sitting here and waiting for a day that may never come where I am teaching and maybe I will hate it. I know I will not make enough money teaching so Vinnie could stay home, unless we lived at my house (which can get a little nutty).

It's just to hard to try to plan for the future. I can't just go look for a job, it doesn't work like that. I wouldn't want to work in an unfamiliar area, I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's true. You know when they ask in an interview why you want to work in that district? I want to actually have an answer. I really want to work for Valpo Community Schools (where I student taught). I liked the school system there. Hobart is a little too nutty for me, but maybe I could make a difference there....doubt it. My sister works her booty off and gets no respect for it.

I want to work, I want to teach, just not here, I want to teach back home. Could I leave Abigail? That I'm not sure of. I know if a had a family member watching her I would have no issue at all, but I don't think I could ever use my family as a daycare, that's not their job. I don't know if I could just drop Abigail off somewhere, I really don't think I could. So, there's that. Maybe my sister can have a baby and I can take her job (even though it's in Hobart) and she can watch Abigail for me, or we could job share..... Ugh!!!!!!!!!!! This sucks.

Sometimes I just start crying and getting upset for no reason. I don't have a horrible life, but a lot of times I think it's not really for me, this whole SAHM, I'm trying really hard to be good at it, but I can't help feeling like it's a degrading job, constantly cleaning up after everyone, doing everyone's dirty work... I don't know. Well, enough whining, there are no jobs back home anyway even if I wanted to pursue it and I wouldn't know when Vinnie would be getting out, so it's worthless to even look into. It seems like the Army gets you in and then you are kinda stuck because you don't want to give up what you have and risk it out there in this economy.

Sigh,
Well, maybe I'll write more later.

I love it again...

so now I totally love the name Theodore again :) I hope it doesn't somehow get super duper popular since that is one reason I love it so much, it's not way out there crazy but still sort of uncommon. Well, I just thought I'd share that I love it again. I think if we do get to have a boy (my little Teddy) I'm going to deck everything out in Teddy Bears! haha I'm a geek like that. Ok, well, I'll stop bringing everyone into my baby fever. Everyone is having babies and pregnant right now! And all the shows and movies with babies..man oh man. It makes me really feel for baby loss mommies, daddies and those who have trouble or cannot get pregnant, when you really start to notice all the babiness everywhere wow, it's nuts, it must be constant heartache for them :(

Well, I guess, I'll go, I'm super bored, Abigail went to bed nicely, I guess bc she didn't nap and the hubs is gone, he may be back at midnight, so, I got nothin to do.

alrighty, byebye

Still not totally decided...

I know I shouldn't even think about names until there is another baby in our arms, but you all know I'm crazy, so I'm allowed to go nuts over it. I'm still super excited about the name Theodore, I worry about it a little, but I still really love it. I'm not really liking Theo and not a super huge fan of Theo and Theodore as an everyday name seems kinda uppity. I know even though I would think it was weird if someone else did it, that I would totally call him Teddy as a baby and probably a little guy. BUt, I wouldn't want him to have to grow up with that being his name, kinda weird for a teen and young man, but I suppose Teddy Roosevelt pulled it off right?

I think my problem is I am still not over the name Eli. I don't think I ever will be. I love love love that name so freakin much. But this little guy has the name and so I guess we can't have it. He is stinkin cute isn't he? This picture with the awesome name on his little apron makes me want the name so much more! Well, that's all I have to say...

Yep

Again, a very exciting title I know, but that's just how I'm feeling. Well, i was supposed to weigh myself today, but as the day went on I figured there was no point other than to be accountable to the internet world, but I think i ate worse this week than I have in a while.

Just kinda frustrated, but can't complain yet. It's only been a couple of months of trying for baby time, but I can't help but get nervous that it will never happen again. Ugh... well, here's to another month and with Vinnie being in the field it may not be a good one.

Anyway, ordered my book, and a xylophone (technically a glockenspiel) for Abigail today, so I'm excited about that. Haven't gotten much sleep this week but we all know it's my own fault.

Not sure what I'm gonna do tomorrow, I should do something super fun, or cool, but that won't happen I'm sure. Well, like I said, nothing interesting, so I suppose I'll go!

Made Dinner Again

I made dinner again tonight, nothing really picture worthy, but it was good

Apparently left over French Dip was the talk of lunch time in B Co, haha.

Nothing much else goin on. Super tired right now need to sleep. I need to get caught up on printing out pictures of Abigail. I haven't printed any since before Vinnie came home! I have so many to print! I need to do it, I like having real pictures around.

I also need to figure out this teeth thing. It just involved phone calls and so that makes me really not want to deal with it. I sent out an email, but heard nothing back, so I guess I just need to suck it up.

Umm, so moving forward with this Montessori type parenting. I am going to order that book tomorrow. I'd like to get two more shelves for Abigail downstairs and start working on a music/art center, complete her language/literacy center and create a math/sensory center. I think it will be great. I really need to keep working with her on practical life things as well, but she is still a little baby to me so it's hard for me to let her grow up and show her how to do things for herself, even though I get very proud when she does anything herself, I get a little sad that she isn't a baby anymore in many ways :(

Well, I am dead tired, but now that I've gotten out the computer I think I have doomed myself. Vinnie is going to the field and so not sure how much more I will see him this week/weekend/next week. Alrighty, time to go. Byebye

Oh, I guess I weigh in tomorrow, don't expect any weight loss, probably a gain!

French Dip and Sloppy Joe

Made French dip sandwiches tonight.

Ingredients

• 4 pounds rump roast (don't think I used 4lbs, just whatever you get at the store)
  
• 1 (10.5 ounce) can beef broth
• 1 (10.5 ounce) can condensed French onion soup
• 1 (12 fluid ounce) can or bottle beer
• French rolls
• 2 tablespoons minced garlic
• Provolone cheese
  

Directions

1. Trim excess fat from the rump roast, and place in a slow cooker. Add the beef broth, onion soup and beer. Cook on Low setting for 7 hours.
2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
3. Split French rolls, put cheese on rolls. Bake 10 minutes, or until heated through.
4. Slice the meat on the diagonal, and place on the rolls. Serve the sauce for dipping.

Last week I made Sloppy Joes, no Manwich here baby.

Ingredients:

• 1 lbs ground beef
• 1 can diced tomato in tomato juice (or one can tomato soup)
• 1/2 cup ketchup
• 2 tablespoons tomato paste
• You could also add some chopped onion, I used onion powder
• 2 buns
  

Directions:

1. Cook in crock pot 4-6 hours mix in all ingredients.
   

Getting Started

So, I joined a Montessori at Home group on BabyCenter and it has been really helpful so far. They have recommended the book How To Raise An Amazing Child the Montessori Way

So I'm thinking about ordering this book soon to kinda get me started. I don't think I will go hardcore Montessori, because to be honest, it's a little hippie, it was developed a long freakin time ago and I know they have adapted some things, but some of it isn't for me, but I am a believer of mixing what works best for you together as long as it's not conflicting.

I got this for Abigail today (along with a potty and electric toothbrush! we aren't potty training yet, but I'd like her to get to used to seeing and sitting on the potty and if she acts ready we might see, but I have no real intention of doing it until she's ready) Anyway, got this for Abigail: I'm excited to see if she plays with it tomorrow!


I need to get maybe two more bookshelves for Abigail. I'd like to have an official music center shelf, one for books, and one for language/sensory/math skills. Here are some things I'd like to get. I think Vinnie or I could actually make some of this ourselves:

Diving in

So, i think I'm going to try to take on this Montessori thing. The more I read the more I like. Now I don't think I'm 100% on it, some of it is "eh" but I like the general idea. Now I just need to find space and where to start! I guess I sorta started. I got Abigail a bookshelf going now for her books and today we made musical instruments (water bottles with pasta inside) she really enjoyed that. Now, I just need to keep figuring out what I want to do. There's a great group on babycenter and I have found a lot of blogs and website to help. I will try to keep you updates on my progress.

Oh and I made dinner again! My own sloppy joes! No manwich! I took a picture and I'll try to post later! Nighty night!

Today

So I weighed myself: 134.7lbs up from 125 (goal range 123-127) Not too bad, but obviously not good. I was going to track today, but of course, we have ice cream, so I ate it. but here is what I've has so far.

1/2 cup oatmeal, 1/2 banana ~4pts
2 diet Coke's~0pts
Healthy Choice meal ~6 pts


Lots of ice cream probably like 15 points!

Shoot I only have like 5 points left today, look like I'll be going way over since I planned on making enchiladas. I need to drink some water too
.
Yeah look at those enchiladas you know you want some. They were delicious. How do you like my sweet pepper salad? See, I tried to do something healthy... Well, I think this meal added up to 20 points (after I ate two more enchiladas..whoops)

Enchilada recipe (I made this up, but I'm sure it's just normal)

• 2 chicken breasts
• 10ish corn tortillas
• taco cheese
• sliced olives (I got the little can)
• green onion
• 2 cans enchilada sauce

1. Cook chicken in crock pot or cook in pan or grill
2. Cut up or shred chicken into small pieces
3. Mix 1/2 can enchilada sauce with chicken
4. Warm tortillas in microwave about 40 seconds (this makes them soft so they don't crack)
5. Fill tortillas with chicken and a little bit of cheese, fold and place fold down in baking dish
6. Cover enchiladas with remaining enchilada sauce, liberal amount of cheese, chopped green onion and olives
7. Place in oven 375 for 20 minutes
   

Oh and a bagel with cream cheese probably a good 8-10 points..whoops again.

So I guess I went like 25 points over, whoops again again... crud, I really need to do better.

Need to get back on track

So, ever since I've gotten back to Washington I got a little loose with my Weight Watchers program. The last thing I want to do is gain that weight all back. I didn't gain any weight back until probably after Hawaii. I've been bad and haven't weight myself in a little while but I can safely assume I'm at least 10 lbs up from my goal weight, which means I'm 7 lbs out of my goal range at least. This is disappointing, but it's my own fault of course, I haven't been tracking, or eating healthy at all. It was so much easier back home because I'm usually have oatmeal for breakfast, healthy choice for lunch and chicken with veggies for dinner. I need to just get back to that. I didn't have the junk food like chips as a temptation back home and I had the accountability of having to weigh in each week. Now, I am not going to lose weight if I find out I am with child, of course, but if it's a no-go this month I am going to try to get back to my goal weight and then start attending WW meetings again... They are free for me if I'm at goal because I am a lifetime member. Even if I do get preggo, it would be a great thing to start eating healthy again. I may even try to post what I'm making for dinner..make this blog a little more exciting.
I got this from another blog and I am going to try to use it to keep myself on track. I am going to weigh myself tomorrow and every Thursday now until...forever.

Track my food. I'm def a 0/10 on this one. I haven't tracked in a long time. GOAL This week I will track on my dry erase board.

Stay within my daily points plus earned activity points. Major 0/10 again. I probably go a good 30-40 points over! haha, I think I get about 30 points, I need to take the quiz again bc I'm unsure, but I am really going to try to stick to it this week. GOAL Stay within 30 points


Check off all of my Good Health Guidelines. 0/10 for tracking, I think I do good most days of getting everything I need, besides water, I really need to do better. GOAL drink water bottle full of water twice daily

Get at least 20 minutes of activity every day. 2/10 I do try to do extra activity whether it's walking to the furthest park with Abigail or going up and down the stairs more times than necessary, but I really need to do more. GOAL begin Tae Bo


Eliminate negative self-talk and focus on success. 0/10 Lately I've been telling myself I can't do it, and it's not worth it, but I know it is. GOAL Write a positive note for myself each day

I'll try to keep this blog updated in regards to my WW progress. I have so many new goals/things I want to get accomplished we shall see. I know I can do it.

My motivation quotes:
"Just Do It"- yep it's from NIKE
"Make It Work"- Tim Gunn
"No Excuses" - I'm sure lot's of people have said this.

Ugh! My Brain!

Ok I have officially concluded that I have no idea what is going on and never will. I cannot plan for anything, anymore!

You have read on here about my constant struggle with deciding to stay home with Abigail. Although I still am searching for something to make me, me, I did decide that staying home with Abigail (and future babies) is best. I have been working on becoming a better more involved mom and am still trying to improve on the housewife role. I finally found peace when Vinnie officially decided that he will stay in the Army for awhile.

Yesterday Vinnie was talking about getting is Masters, preparing for the LSAT so he can apply for FLEP and so I'm thinking, ok we are going to be in this Army life for several more years, just as I thought.

Then tonight he says he will probably get out, not sure when, but that he will look for a job and I will have to get one. OMG! I can't handle this back and forth! It's not like bam I can get a job, it doesn't work that way in the teaching world, unless you go right in after student teaching or get lucky by knowing someone. I missed that chance, I'd have to start over, subbing, hopefully getting a maternity leave and then hopefully get hired on full time. That can take a few years. It's possible to get hired right away but there is no way to know that and with having nothing on the resume since 2008, it's a long-shot. But, I'm done talking about it, because I start to stress about it and then everything changes again, so I'm just gonna stick with the track I'm on.

What I've Been Working On
Ok, so usually I am afraid to spend any money without asking Vinnie because I just feel guilty since I didn't go to work. I'm trying to improve on understanding that I have a very important role in this family. Taking care of Abigail is very important, helping her learn and discover new things, reinforce things, help her understand her feelings, keep her healthy and happy, etc. So I decided to try to change things up a little bit, turn off the TV and really actively play and discover with Abigail. I moved some things around so she now has a bookshelf downstairs, I bought her a few new books today, a couple animal books and another one that she just really liked along with a nursery rhyme book. She loves books and I don't think I could ever deprive her of one, if the girl wants a book, she can have it.

So the next thing I want to get is a pocket schedule, sounds dumb and pointless because i could just write it on a sheet of paper, but I think a pocket chart would be great, then we can just move times and events around as things change as she gets older, and I could always use it in a future class room. I can also include pictures to help her really understand what is going on. It will help create structure and predictability in the day, which children love. It will help her understand concepts of time as well. And, it would make me happy. Dumb as that may sound, it just would, weird stuff like that makes me happy, I'm sorry, it does, I know I can write it on paper, I've done that before, but I know I would love the pocket chart. So, should I get one? I think so, but I should probably ask Vinnie. I also would like to get a pocket calendar. I know, again, sounds dumb, I can just use a regular calendar and maybe she's too young to understand, but I really think she'd enjoy it and learn so much. I actually get excited thinking about it. Yes, I like dumb stuff like that.

I am still working on following FlyLady, I do pretty well with it. I lost track for a little while over the Christmas break, but now I'm back on track, got myself a little dry erase board to write down the daily mission. I would still like to drastically improve on the housewife front, trying to cook more meals, but man it just seems like it causes so much extra work (overtime) because then I got to do all the cleanup and trash related to the meal as well when I'd much rather get some relaxation time in.

Another thing I'm thinking about is taking some time for myself. I'm not sure how Vinnie would feel about it. My thought is maybe Monday and Wednesday 2 hours after Vinnie gets home, maybe I'd cook dinner, maybe not, not sure yet, but I'd like to just go somewhere...bookstore, starbucks, or somewhere else? I'd like to have time to read a book or play around on the computer without Abigail yelling at me or in the wee hours of the night. I'd also like to get caught up with my scrapbook, so that is also something I could do, but I can't really take that with me. I'd also like to work on my teaching portfolio so then I'm not waiting until the last minute to do it. These are things I cannot do during the day and feel guilty doing if Vinnie is home because it just doesn't feel right to be doing all that stuff while I should be spending time with him, but if I was not in the house I could probably actually get things done. I've always been this way. In college, if I had a big project, paper, or test to study for I HAD to get out of the apartment, it was just too distracting being there. I usually went to Qdoba (24 hours Thus-Sat and free internet) or the IMU. I'd stay in those places for HOURS, but it was so relaxing and I didn't feel pressure and always got great work done. It'd be nice to have a night or two off a week, Vinnie feeding and putting Abigail to bed, cleaning up her toys, dishes, trash, etc. So, yeah, I'm thinking about doing that, not sure.

Alrighty, well I'm completely exhausted, as usual so I should go, even though I won't be able to sleep. Goodnight

Parenting style

Well, I'm pretty tired so I'm not going to go into detail, but I ran across a blog today and it seemed to resemble my parenting style pretty close. I didn't know if I had a parenting style but I suppose it's kinda close to Montessori. Here is the blog:
http://jen-peacefulparenting.blogspot.com/

Now somehow this lady has endless room in her house and if I did then I would totally have Abigail's stuff set up like she has hers. Anyway, I don't think I do things exactly like Montessori teaches, but I guess I'm kinda similar in at least what I'd like to be doing. I'd like to have music stations and craft centers, etc for abigail. We just don't have the room. I do let her explore real life items like the bowls and dishtowels and safe cooking utensils. I also don't mind when she explores our extensive movie collection, photo albums, pictures frames, etc. If she goes to play with something I usually ask myself these things: Can it hurt her? Can she break it easily? Usually it's that simple, if the answers are no, then I let her play. Even if she pulls something out of my drawer that might be too small for her to play with on her own, I will usually let her explore while I watch closely. She will usually move on after a few minutes and no fight or crying had to happen. Some parents might take something small like that and turn it into a big deal causing a super tantrum.

I know I'm still developing and figuring out my parental philosophy. I think I'd like to read up on some things and really get a move on, really get into this mom thing. Here are some things I'd like to get for the house. I wish we had a play room, we don't have much room, but I'd love to have an organization system for her toys and books so she can start seeing that everything has a place.


I wish we had more room on the wall where I could hang things at eye level for her. I put up a poster about shapes and she is always looking at it and pointing at the shapes and we talk about them. I think I could find some room but Vinnie would have to get used to the house looking like a classroom. Well, I'm pretty tired.
One thing real quick, I just want to say that the State of the Union address what great. I really liked when he said to people considering getting into teaching that "your country needs you" There were a lot of highlights, but that stuck out for obvious reasons. The Republican response was very mature and well spoken. Political arguments are always going to be there because there just is a genuine difference in opinion on certain key issues. This is why our political party system developed, there isn't anything wrong with that. People just need to stop questioning peoples motives all the time and understand that the other side is doing what they believe is right, they were voted in and can be voted out if people disagree with them, but they love this country and no matter what side you fall on you want the same thing in the end: A prosperous America and the continuation of the American dream. That probably could have been worded better, but like I said I'm freakin tired. I really did like them all sitting together tonight. I think it really sent a powerful message, maybe it was just me. I think they should mix it up in the House and Senate all the time, but I'm sure that won't happen anytime soon. Well here's to the second half of President Obama's first term, I'm looking forward to seeing what he puts forward for education, defense and what cuts he can get through Congress. I think we need a "Dave" moment!

Good Day

So today I decided no TV. This might sound bad but I usually have the TV on all day. Abigail doesn't usually pay attention to it, but lately I noticed that she's starting to, so instead of TV I put it on a music channel that just played classic hits all day and we danced and partied, it was fun.

She didn't take a nap, but that's expected.

I decided to make a trip to a teacher supply store and get a Dr. Seuss alphabet thingy for the wall and I also picked up a poster about shapes. I would have liked to get more but Abigail wasn't having it. I will post pictures later if I remember. I'd like to also get a pocket chart calendar with the weather also (even though it will almost always say rainy). I wish we had a "family room" that we could use as her play room to put all the stuff I want up, but that's alright, I don't mind making our little dining area into a play area.

I'm dead tired and not able to sleep again tonight, but at least I had a good day. Still really excited that I have possible names for future babies (God willing)

Theodore Jack
Elizabeth Lillian

So Excited!!!!!!!!!!!

So, vinnie read my blog and I guess decided that Theodore is a good name!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!! I love it so much, I am so excited! I even compromised and said Jack could be the middle name and if he wanted to call him Jack that is find by me! Vinnie even suggested another nickname TR! That is cute! Aww little Theo! Sweet Teddy Bear! Ted my main man! I am really excited now, I almost want to go buy a little Theodore beanie baby I saw online (from Alvin and the chipmunks) Ok, Well, Abigail has been "napping" for awhile now with no success so I guess I should get her. Really excited!

Theodore Jack!
Elizabeth Lillian!

Switching up my name style?

Maybe I just need to step out of my traditional names box? But I love those names. What I want is this: at least a two-syllable name with a good meaning
(either personal or definition, having both is a major plus), old-fashioned, but not super popular but not WAY out there and it needs to have some eligible nicknames. I think that's it, I'm boxing myself in right? So i've thought about branching out, but I'm unsure. I will look a little more but here are some of my branching out names:

My List: mostly meets criteria

Elijah (Eli) "The Lord is My God" - My all time favorite name
William (Will, Liam) I just like it for some reason Liam means "Strong willed warrior" but I think it's way to trendy for me
Benjamin (Ben) "Son of My Right Hand" My great grandfathers name, I just love the name Ben for some reason
Theodore (Theo, Ted, Teddy) "Gift from God" only personal meaning is that my sis suggested it, but I love that it comes with a lot of options

stepping out of the box list: Don't know if I'd actually name any of my children these names, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

(These names have no personal meaning)

• Carson :son of the marsh dwellers or son of carr, I don't really see any nicknames here
• Carter: One who transports goods, I just like this name for some reason
• Calvin: Little bald one, yeah, that's what it means. I really like this name would be tops on my list without the unfortunate meaning, love the nickname Cal (it would almost be a combo of mine and vinnie's name)
• Henry: ruler of the home, nicknames include Hank and Harry, eh
  
• Louis: famed warrior, I like this name for some reason, not sure why
  
• Miles: soldier, I like this name but it seems like it's for a little kid, no real nicknames and i say the name kinda funny
• Nathan: God has given, i like the nickname Nate
  
• Isaac: Laughing one, i like this name too, no real good nicknames
  
• Landon: long hill, Kinda popular but I like it, nicknames?
  
• Owen: young warrior, nicknames?
  
• Leland: meadow land, I like the nickname Lee a lot
  
• Reece: enthusiasm, i like this name, but I know my brother and dad would comment on it being a wrestler we know from high school
  
• Marshall: keeper of the horses, I kinda like this name from How I met Your Mother, nicknames?
  
• Warren: Defender, nicknames?
  
• Cael: slender, I just like this for some reason
  

Names with "some" personal meaning
George: farmer, my grandpa's name, his dad's name and up and up, unfortunately it didn't get passed down to his son and his son did not pass it down to his son so it kinda died there. I don't know how my mom would feel about it since she wasn't very close to her dad. But I met a little George about abigail's age and he was so cute, it is the perfect name for a little boy even though you wouldn't think so (i didn't) but no one ever forgot his name, not weird but not that common
Benjamin: see above
Andrew: Manly, I don't really like the name andrew, but I do like Drew, this is Pres. jackson's first name
John: god is gracious, formal version of Jack
Walter: Powerful warrier, Walter payton's name, worried he might get made fun of (Walt Disney)
Bennett: little blessed one, still has nickname Ben and similar to Benjamin


Wow it's like 2 am now, i need to sleep, hopefully I can stop thinking about names. Please give your opinion!

Names...

Finally got the hubs to talk baby names again. Of course he thinks I'm weird that I think about names all the time...oh well. So, Theodore seems like it's officially out. He likes it, but he says not enough for a first name. I'm kinda crushed. I had to give up Eli and now Theo.. :( not cool. Seem like the only name we agree on is Alexander, and I'm not a huge fan of the name, but I suppose it's better than Jack, but Jack had some meaning with it and Alexander doesn't. I don't like any of the nn for Alexander and so I'd embarass the kid by always calling him by his full name or get the eye rolls from parents who think that I think I'm high class so my kid needs a fancy long name. If Jack wasn't so super popular and didn't come with unfortunate teasing possibilities I'd probably like it much more. Sometimes I think I should just cave and make Vinnie happy. I went back to the drawing board and finally found a new name that gave me the same feeling as Eli and now it's a no go. I guess it's back again. It's just so annoying because we had the perfect name..Little Eli, but Vinnie reaffirmed that it wouldn't be a good idea to name one of our kids Eli bc he'd always be #2 on his side... sigh.

Oh and teeth. I'm pretty tired so I don't want to get into it but my teeth got all screwy bc of pregnancy and so I need 11 fillings which the dentist says i can't get metal ones and so I gotta pay 120 bucks a piece for them. Yeah, right! Oh and she doesn't want to put a crown on my root canal bc she said it was a sucky job and it's gonna break so she eventually would need to pull it and put in a replacement (or whatever they do), yeah ok and she said I need my wisdom teeth out even though there is nothing wrong with them. sigh again. I gotta get it figured out, looks like i'll be on the phone a lot on Monday.

UPDATE ON NAMES

Possible solution? Probably can't get Vinnie to buy into it but maybe, maybe we could name a future son Eli bc to my family he is the only Eli and I will talk to Vinnie's side and let them know that he isn't to be called "Vinnie's Eli" or Eli #2 or really baby Eli passed the newborn stage, instead if you need to specify you are talking about "our" Eli you use the middle name, which hopefully would be Christopher. This should make it clear since Eli Kenneth is named after his grandpa. I think I could handle that. Really we NEVER see them, ever, they live in Hawaii for pete's sake. we just happened to hang out with them when we went there. Yes, Vinnie's side will probably give us grief for a little bit, but if I have to I will give them a talking to. Of course out of respect I will probably ask Heather if she would mind if we used Eli. We could possibly go with Elijah too if need be. Opinions?

More Name Debate..with myself!

So, Vinnie is in the field this week so I'm trying to keep myself busy, with what else? Baby names!

Ok, so as i've said our original baby name was Eli, and it's taken so I know I should just get over it and move on..sigh. Our second boy name was Alexander. I like that name, I do. I like the meaning also. I'm not big on the name Alex, but I don't really like Abby either so I guess that doesn't matter. I'd be a little concerned about popularity, it is a pretty popular name, but it's a classic, so it's not a trendy popular, if you know what I mean (Brayden, Jayden, Brody) no offense to anyone with those names, to each their own, just not my style. Anyway, I'm thinking I'll keep Alexander in my back pocket if I can't get Vinnie away from Jack. I want Theodore, he wants Jack, so we can compromise on Alexander? Sounds like a game plan. He likes Theo too, so I don't see why he won't budge and just accept it. Also, I see Theo as a dark haired boy, I can't imagine a blond Theodore or Theo. I almost though about making a hair color deal, blond hair Jack or Alexander, Dark hair Theo... but that only gives me 50/50 chance and Abigail is blond.

I love the name Theodore, I do worry a little because it's kinda risky, some people will hate it I know. I think Theo is a good name that can grow old, but maybe that's just me. If Brayden and Brody can grow old so can Theo. I used to think the same way about Ashley and such, can't imagine a grandma Ashley, but when those girls get that old it probably won't seem weird anymore.

Wow, I just heard the funniest thing. It's a recording of LBJ ordering pants, he was taking about how the crotch area is always too tight that he gets cut down there and how he needs more room from the zipper to under his bunghole (his words, no joke) hilarious.

Oh and My sister's fiance looks very similar to Mike Isabella from Top Chef, look at these pics and see if you think so too, granted, Josh is nicely groomed in the engagement photo, if his hair wasn't all smooth i think they'd be twins. I tried to find another pic but he's always wearing a hat.

Names again...

So I kinda brought up Theodore the other night. Apparently Vinnie likes it but he is unwilling to consider any baby name other than Jack, sigh, what am I to do? Hope for a girl? haha, I'd like to have a boy someday though... I feel like I've given him so many reasons that Jack isn't good enough, but he doesn't care. He will literally just say Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack over and over and over again until I stop talking about it. I mean, it's not bad, it isn't, but it's not my kind of name, it's really plain and short and common, even trendy right now. If I LOVED the name non of those things would bother me, but I don't love it, I just like it. so, blah.

So, we probably aren't going to get anywhere with names, he has no desire to compromise even though I searched and searched and searched for more names that I thought we could both agree on, found one (theodore) and still nothing. I guess I am just out of luck. Alrighty, gonna go. Byebye!

Maybe a change?

so, Vinnie has been looking into changing duty stations since we've been here over 2 years. He got an email with possible other locations from his branch manager. We were kinda excited to see Camp Atterbury on the list. It is just south of Indy, talk about close to home! But is that too close? I kinda feel like if I'm gonna have to live far from home it might as well be somewhere somewhat cool, southern Indiana doesn't meet that criteria. Others on the list include Ft. Benning (12-13 hrs from home) Fort Jackson (13 hrs) Fort Dix (13 hrs) and some others as well. I don't know much about any of hose bases but Benning. I wouldn't mind going there. I've heard nice things about Jackson and Dix is so close to so many awesome places on the east coast that I want to see/visit so badly (philly, boston, NY, D.C) So, yep, that's what's up. any opinions out there?

Feeling better

So, I apologize for my last couple crazy person posts. I swear my life isn't horrible and I love my husband and daughter! They are great!

I just have bad days every now and then. I just need to get out of the house because when I don't for a few weeks I start to go a little nutty. Anyway, things are better. Went to Davids and got the bridesmaids dress for my sisters wedding. I love the dress but not a super fan of the color....fern. I just wish it was a different color because I would def use it for balls and such.

So, at least I got out of the house. Looks like the hubs has a 4 day weekend, thank you MLK, I'll be sure to make them days on not off (they used to say that at IU)

still haven't really talked names with Vinnie in awhile, probably wait until there is at least potential for a baby to be born, right now there is nothing. We shall see, ok,, pretty tired, nighty night.

tonight sucks

I just feel so terrible tonight. I seriously do not like myself anymore, I've been really depressed for awhile but I seem to dig my way out somehow but I find myself back everytime. I hate it. I know I should get help or something, but I'm not sure what that would do anyway, just cause more of a headache.

Who am I?

Well, I think i might try to start doing some soul searching and try to figure out who I really am. There are a lot of things I try to be, who am I really?

People might be surprised to know that I've conducted probably over 100 meetings for the American Legion Auxiliary using parliamentary procedure. People might be surprised that I have given speeches in front of as many as 800-900 people written by myself. People might also be surprised to know I have performed solo and with a small ensemble on stage for hundreds of people and also acted in a Children's Play. I know people at my high school were surprised to find some of these things out when I talked to a class about Girls' State my senior year.

I have always considered myself outgoing, mostly because of some of the previous things I have listed, I have put myself out there MANY times and always had great success. I just don't know if that's me. I am not a socialite, I may try to be but I am not. I don't like parties or people really lol.

I always knew I wanted to be a teacher, why? Because I love school. I mean I really do and I thought what would be better than being in school forever? I fell in love with a passion for World History my sophomore year in high school and that is when I decided I wanted to be a high school history teacher. At the time, I didn't feel like I really had it in me to stand up in front of high schoolers, but I figured that would come in time. So I started college in pursuit of a degree in secondary ed social studies.

I did two years of course work towards this degree, including many history and poly sci classes. Freshman year I had, H105, American History I and OMG I fell hard for it. I never enjoyed American history before, didn't give two poops about it, but something about that class made me love it. Then I decided I would concentrate on American History and try to spread the passion to my future students that I was feeling. during sophomore year I was starting to get worried. Field experiences were going to begin next year and I definitely didn't feel ready to teach in front of high schoolers and command any respect. I was 19 going on 20. So, after a year of thinking about it, I switched to El Ed. I figured I can still teach social studies in elementary school. Even though I loved my coursework and my classes of kids and student teaching, I just don't know if it's for me and that I made a big mistake.

I wish I would have majored in history, because what I really want is to be a college professor in history. I feel like I've inhibited myself by getting a BS in El Ed because it doesn't translate well to grad school in any area except education. I love teaching the little guys, but honestly, it really is WAY too much work! haha I mean for real, you can't leave your work at work especially with my personality, teaching elementary just doesn't mesh. I stayed up every night until at least 12 or 1 grading and planning, it never ends, there is always something to do. Yes, there is still planning and grading with high school and college but it's nothing like elementary. In elementary you have to behavior plan EVERY THING! I could go into details, but it's too much stuff.

College teaching would be so great, the kids for the most part are choosing to be there and you don't have to deal with parents and you don't have to worry about individualized learning plans or all that other craziness that goes on in elementary.

I wonder if I can add high school social studies to my license. I think I can. Would it be a good idea to maybe start working toward a PHD? I don't know, why not? a class or two at a time. I just don't know.

I love being home with Abigail, but I know I'm not meant to be a SAHM, but I'm doing it and that's what I'm going to do for now. I can stay home, so I should. Well, I hope my college wasn't a waste of time, I don't think so, but who knows. I want to find what I'm meant to do. I think I'm more of a behind the scenes kind of person. I guess I shouldn't worry about my college major since I have heard of plenty of people who are doing something they love that is no where near what they went to college for.
Also, I have thought about nursing. But, I think if i went into nursing I'd be in the same place I am now.
I just want to have my own identity. Yes, I'm a mom and a wife, but why just define myself through other people? hmm, well, I'll try to figure it out!

Thanks for listening to my craziness!

I know it's my own fault

So, I named this post the way I did because I think i'm gonna do a lot of whining and yes I know I could fix everything and it's my own fault. Anyway, so I love hanging out with Abigail everyday, I mean, she's tons of fun. I just feel like my whole life is waiting until 7pm so I can finally relax and then, oh yeah, I need to figure out something for dinner and then maybe we will watch a show while I am usually cleaning up dishes and kitchen after dinner and also cleaning up after hurricane Abigail, it's 9pm and Vinnie needs to go to bed so I didn't really get to just relax on the couch and watch some TV with the hubs.

So it's bedtime, Vinnie falls asleep in about 2 seconds and I'm stuck alone with nothing to do. I watch whatever crappy shows are on, maybe read part of a book but I'm completely exhausted and can't really focus, yet I can't fall asleep either. I usually get a up a few times and get a glass of milk. I get really hot and then really cold in bed, my neck hurts because of my stupid hair and can't get comfy at all in bed.
Then Vinnie's alarm goes off, he says bye bye and usually then I am able to sleep until my alarm (Abigail) goes off and we start again. My day consists of fighting with her over food and whether or not I should take the high chair down so she can play on it. Keeping her off the baby gate and stove, and keeping her from slamming her head on the table. Then she starts escaping out the doggie door so I had to duct tape it closed and remember to let Hoosier out. She starts to get tired so we do our naptime routine and I lay her down but she won't sleep. I make her stay up there for at least an hour anyway and in that time I try to eat some lunch and play around online. Then I have to go get her, I usually forget that I still am wearing what I wore to bed. Then about 2 hours later she is tired again and getting really crabby, so again we try to napptime routine. I swear my day consists of trying to get her to sleep, it drives me crazy. If she does nap she will wake up crazy and confused bc it will be dark out and she cries forever when I bring her downstairs so I have to whip out all my tricks of consoling her. Sometime in there she eats lunch and I gotta clean up her giant mess. Then I remember I am still in my clothes from last night and I really don't want to change but I realize Vinnie will be home in a couple hours and I probably should.
Yes my major milestone in the day is getting dressed. What an exciting life. I don't know what to do about it, I love being a mom, not sure if I was meant to be a SAHM, but who knows. I want to love it, I want to want to cook dinner and clean. It just sounds so terrible to me! It doesn't help that Vinnie always says he wishes he could stay home. Yeah, it'd be fun for a week, maybe even a month or too, but it gets real old real fast, like groundhog day or something. There are no vacations or days off EVER! Sometimes I just want to sleep until 12 or 1 but I don't have that choice it's always on me.

anyway, I love my husband and my baby more than anything in the whole world. they are wonderful! I just wish I didn't feel so crappy all the time and that I would actually be happy. I'm not sure how to make that happen, i think the last thing I'd want is a play group, parents and kids no thank you. I'm not sure. I really think i need to go to a gym, but you see how far that has gotten in the last 2 months...no where.

OT I have a dentist appt on the 21st, figured I need to get in there before a possible baby on board, my teeth are so f-ing sensitive I have to drink everything with a straw and can't eat anything cold. Sucks.

Oh and in case you were wondering Vinnie and I haven't really talked about Theodore yet, but I accidentally sent him a text about the name that was supposed to go to my sister and he just asked me about it, he didn't seem to hate it, but I was too scared to ask the big question. He brought up Jack in his usual casual way last night and I just said that i don't think there will be a baby Jack and he didn't say anything, so who knows. I feel bad that I have vetoed him. Anyway the names:

Elizabeth Lillian
Theodore Benjamin, Theodore Kevin, Theodore Christopher

Update on Best Name Ever!!!!!!!!!!!

So I got a response for my sister and she WAS recommending a name for me! haha YES! I'm so excited. Now comes the task of trying to get Vinnie to like it. He didn't give a nasty response when I mentioned it last night. Any tips?

Little Theo!!!!!!!!!!!
My teddy bear!
:)

Ahh I love a name!

So I've been up all night really pumped about a boys name. I know it's not everyones style and that's fine but I love it. Ok what is it you ask? Drum roll.........

THEODORE "Theo" for short

I love it! It means gift from God! How perfect! Only one problemo. Guess where I got it? My sister. She is thinking about trying for a baby in a few months so we've been sharing baby names back and forth and last night she said Theo and I fell hard for it and it's not mine! What to do? Maybe her sig nif will veto it? Maybe she was actually suggesting it to me and not saying it as her choice? The email was a little vague. Hmm I'm holding out hope. I havent felt thus excited about a boys name since Eli!